gravity

I leave my life to You, take it for Your's is the only promise has never let me down  -

What do you do when your hands fall to your sides and it feels like they're useless? That they aren't going to listen to you and your romping mind anymore. When your body refuses to move, when it needs to be coaxed and pleaded to, to just get you out of bed.

I've been living in sweet denial. In blissful ignorance. 'Gravity, stay the hell away from me'.

You know what I see infront of me? I see boxes. I see an empty letter pad and a bunch of envelopes. I see memories all across the wall, in the form of pictures, words, that damn corner that never could stay clean. I sit in the bed you tried to love me in. I see the lamp that I never switch off, my fear of seeing faces in the dark. I see through my cupboard doors. I see past all the clothes, I see my uncle's old yellow construction helmet. I wonder why we kept that all these years...I remember trying to put it on as a kid, never fit my head.

In the race to be different, to be unique, I forgot the primal thing about being human. We all share the same emotions at some point in our lives. I try everyday to be special, to not make the same mistakes as everyone else. I try to be the girl that everyone can trust and no one can take for granted. But there's this funny thing called irony, and it leaves you disgusted with yourself. I fail to get the words out of my mouth. But I know what I want to say.

I understand now. I see you. I see the big picture. I have to give back those old school books, I have to pack away those clothes, take the pictures, the tickets, the birthday cards, the timetables, the junk off my wall. I have leave this sanctuary bare, the way I entered it. I have to learn how to say goodbye again. Live by myself again.

Starting life by myself, accepting the fact that I won't always be able to see everyone I want to...I won't always be able to say everything. I realised not everything is meant to be said at once, some words carry more weight than others and some words need to be carried longer than others. You can't trust everyone all at the same time, as much as you'd like to.

I'm going to miss my life here so much. I'm going to miss all the people I got used to. I'm praying I can live as fierce as I want to. I hope I find what I what I'm looking for, I hope I can make wherever I'm going to a home. I want to make it big. I hope I always remember those that brought me to this part of my journey. Thank you God, for giving me life, and letting me live so far. Thank You especially for all those that love me, when times get hard, they never stop believing. I pray others will know the happiness I feel when I look back at my life in Sharjah. Nothing's ever going to change that. I have grown, and I will keep growing. 

returning

Aboriginal Paintings - The Boomerang Effect

Hello again :)

It's been a while since I lasted blogged. Things aren't dying down as yet. In fact if anything, I'm getting better at choosing the things I need to ignore than actually learning how to deal with them.

Everything has an expiry date for me now. Every task I need to do. That's the only thing that's keeping me going. My to-do lists are getting longer and it seems like stuff on there reincarnates itself and I'm left with a never-ending stream of new things that just pop up.

But there's nothing like the satisfaction of crossing finished tasks out. So far, I've completed 2/3 exams, confronted my biggest worry twice, confronted the thing that hurts me most over 6 times, helped a friend realise and confront something important and tried to get all my university stuff sorted.

I've got one more exam to go and that's on Wednesday. After that, got loads of uni stuff to sort out, got loads of events coming up, in between all of that, I gotta make sure I'm there to help out at home. My gramma's been looking after us now that my mom's gone but I've got the feeling that I'm leaving her alone too much, so I need to make sure that I don't make her feel alone.

I've been very conflicted recently. I've realised that I want to be impressed by my relationships. I don't want to do all the work. I don't want to always be the one that gets hurt and burdened and disadvantaged the most in the end. It doesn't matter how quickly I can recover or whether I can at all. How you go out is as important as how long you fight for. I need to keep my dignity intact and invest my energy in people that actually try and make a difference to my life.It's really not worth getting hurt over and over again because you've been let down by people.

Take as much time as you can/need to get to know them. Know their personalities, observe them, notice all the little things. Spend time and laughter and good times with them. Be there for them in their bad times. Just take it slow. Be wiser than you were yesterday because a lot depends on you. You have so much more to live for, so many more people you're going to meet and experience. Always keep your mind open and don't keep anything in your heart that you know you will regret.

At the same time, learn how to excercise restraint. Enjoy being surprised by people and their gestures towards you. Don't panic about spaces. Maybe they're meant to be there, or maybe someone else will fill them up. You can't always fix everything and especially not all by yourself. Give someone else a chance to make you feel good. It's not selfishness, it's not indulgent, it's accepting that you have a right to feel the way you treat people. So make sure, you treat people right and fairly.

Gotta go back to revising English Lit., write soon, and have a good night (or day) everyone.

FightersAlwaysxx

Cleansing

Sunset @ Morjim Beach, Goa

I should be studying my ass off. (And I am, just not right now)

Conflicted.
Tracks playing in my mind.
Clear this shizz up.
Just go write endlessly.

Walk along the water
and never be able to stop the waves from touching your feet.

Disappointed?
Cry it out in the sea.

Angry?
Scream, running in.

Hurt?
Let the water wash your wounds.

Who cares if they think you're crazy?
You're just trying to be free.

not a hypocrite

I really don't think that cutting people out of my life when they've hurt me is the answer anymore. I've done it to two people who really deserved it...and truth to be told, it really killed.

The first time, I think I was completely justified when I say sometimes you are going to get people that really don't deserve to know you. People that are just too small in themselves. End of.

For the second time, I would say that sometimes your part in their story is over. It is now their turn, and if they don't take it, you gotta keep moving on until they realise what they lost. If they come to find you, I really don't know what I'd do personally, but everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I don't know if I'd be friends with that person again, but I think once that person understands their actions exactly and acts upon that understanding to full a promise that they will never leave you there again, perhaps, then its worth taking them back.

Recently, I've been faced with a huge dilemma. Someone very special entered my life not too long ago, and I ended up liking that person a lot. However, mistakes were made, one thing led to another, hurt bred fear, and fear bred lies and next thing, you have it, I shoved the problem in limbo because I had to sort life out on my end before I could even think about addressing such a large problem.

It's hard to find the meaning in the moments we shared. It would be wrong to dismiss all of them and say there was nothing. There was a muted friendship, because one of our hearts was silent, and it was not mine.

Not knowing someone will mean you take a chance on them, and to make up for the time that you don't spend on them, you take guesses at their nature, or how they'd react to things or situations. You'd assume their preferences according to their personalities and what your mutual friends tell you. You start loving the person everyone else sees and the person you need to see in the time you have, and not the person that they are. Sometimes, it takes time, it really does, to recognise the finer things, to see the smaller nuances, and to feel those vibes that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it takes time or experience to truly see the worth of the person...this might prevent you from hurting them. Even though hurting someone should be completely unnecessary as a means of going about things, sometimes it happens like that. You will disappoint because you can't please everyone. But that shouldn't be an excuse for taking someone's integrity, or the respect they give you for granted.

Life is not about taking. It is and always has been about giving. Do not be prepared to speak words you cannot stand by, stand up for beliefs you cannot live by and live for a life you cannot be proud of. I am not a hypocrite, and I try really hard not to be. So I'm taking a chance on you, because you will need me more than you deserve me at the moment, and you are better than the mistake you have made. But do not take my love for granted again, because being my friend is not easy. I do not need people who will leave, because I will always be there.

So be fierce in your love, or don't love at all. I'd rather have a speechless animal by my side than a human being that cannot communicate what love is or deliver it entirely. 

Sky high; always

You know what?

Everything might really be happening all at once, and you may feel like you are totally mindf*k'd. But it's okay, and I'll tell you why.

If life really is testing you and it cooked up some bad shizz to see how far you could be pushed, stand up to it! Deal with it because I've realised that running away and putting all your problems into a corner will only just cram your mind and make you feel trapped, encircled by your swirling emotions and thoughts.

I wrote about everything you wanted coming at you like a train in your last 6 months of high school...and I meant it. It isn't going to get easier, no. How you deal with things though, that will always change because you grow as a person everyday. Look back, and if you've been true enough to yourself, you'll know that you should get stronger, so no matter what comes at you, you're ready to take the hit. (I'm a rugby player, I breathe that sport, so any reference to big hits, you know I know my shit haha)

It's been a while since I've been feeling really down about things. About people and leaving, about home and university, about family and friends and just generally, doubting, second guessing myself. Uh uh, not anymore. I'll y'all the truth, so you know this isn't some idealistic bullsh*t rant...

I got my final exams in 2 weeks. As of now I feel totally unprepared for them.
I'm waiting on a certain someone to deliver, to make up his mind, whether he really wants me in his life or not.
I'm sorting out my first semester at uni as well. All by myself.

Those are just a few of the things that have been eating away at my sanity. Apart from health-related issues within my family, my mom making her annual move to the US to study in her summer PhD program, the added responsibility of holding the house together and taking care of my family, I need to make sure I spend my remaining days in my hometown with the people who truly matter.


I've decided to really right-hook this b*tch of a challenge back. Man, I'm so done being pulled under. Listen to me, because I regret not doing this for myself earlier.

People who are gonna really want you around, really love you and really love your company, they gon' make an effort to talk to you. They are going to call to hear your voice, they're gonna send you funny stuff to make you laugh when you're stressed, they're going to hold you up even when you feel like you're done. Believe me, people who don't let you think nothing but positive, those are the kinds of people you need around you. Haters, cac talkers, and anyone else that's been bringing you down...let 'em go to hell, man. However, if these people are someone important to you, grab 'em by the arms, and tell 'em to wake the fk up. Because you don't need that right now, love, faith and hope, that's gonna get you by.

If y'all are at school, don't let your mind wander. Hit them books hard, make a real effort to study those concepts, you never know how useful what you learn will be later on in your life. Don't just study for the sake of studying, you'll never go through high-school again. Make it count. Your sufferings lol or your good times, make it all worth it.

If you need to say something to someone, make sure you say it. Screw waiting...sometimes, you won't get the chance again, and other times, maybe you just need to bloody do it for yourself. So you can fill in those empty places that they refuse to fill, just so you can move the heck on.

Spend your time carefully. Remember it's not meant to be easy. Always take it from a different perspective. Find someone who makes you look at life differently. Zoom out, look at the beauty in everything. Even through your most helpless times, use your inner strength. Don't let your legs buckle. I did. But I don't regret it. I was sent to my knees, it's a different view from down there.

Humility, understanding, acceptance - I'm nodding my head. Sometimes you gotta be weighed down, you gotta be brought down, and then when you rise, against all the odds, against everything that you feel could possibly go wrong, the feeling grows within you. Your purpose, your spirit and your drive is reignited. You'll get where you need to go. Don't worry, nothing good comes from worrying. Don't let your fire go out, dim your light if you have to. But live right on after, what is there to be afraid of when you want to live so true, so right and so hard?

My gloves are back on, man.
Sorry I took so long, but I'm back (:

Everything will happen the way it's mean to.
Bring it!

I was looking for a picture when I saw the source, it inspired me even more = http://love4amazed.blogspot.com/2011/10/god-gave-you-fighters-spirit-gw4365.html 

FightersAlwaysxx

Music that lifted my mood:

KiD CuDi- Sky High
Jason Mraz- I won't give up
James Morrison- I won't let you go

*big shout out to my girl Sefa and my bolo, Pataytay, Ange- you're a constant inspiration love you bro thanks for never giving up on me, you even prayed :P;  E <3 I have faith in you, no matter what xx*

'Two is Better than One'

"so maybe it's true,  that i can't live without you"

I'm going to start apologizing. Since it's something I'm pretty good at.

First,
I'm sorry you don't like that I stood up for my own self-respect and my integrity and the standards I keep for my friendship. I'm sorry you'll have to wait to see what you've closed yourself up to. Because that truth, that truth's real ugly

Second,
I'm sorry we don't have much time. You make me feel so good about liking you. I'm sorry this isn't transparent. I'm sorry I don't know your heart the way you know mine. I'm sorry I'm so hard to be around sometimes. But the thing is, I'm so unashamed when it comes to feeling for you. I'm sorry I don't know how to explain what this means to me. But I'm trying everyday. Because...I don't want you to ever look back on this, and think you didn't know how important you are to me. I want to make the most of the time we have, and I'm so sorry if it feels like I'm rushing...or that I'm saying everything before I forget. Thing is, all I want to do is just be there for you. Please don't put me out in the dark...I'm opening up to you and it's been so long since I've let this happen. I don't know, either. I'm clueless too. But I want to believe in what I do know, and there's just so much I'd do for you. Take me up, just give me a chance. If it means standing in front you, convincing you everyday, I'll do that too. I'm not desperate to be understood, not even by you. I'm my own person. But I can't help wanting you to be a part of my life. I just want you to stay so bad. You're a total stranger, but you're so close to me? I don't know how all of this is even possible haha. A meeting of two hearts earnest and true, blossoming at one touch, eternal beauty.

Third,
I'm sorry sometimes I can't respond as positively as I'd like. Sometimes, you gotta take a day off, and get rid of things that are making you sink. It's going to be hard because while you're struggling for breaths, you're fighting off all the chains, all the locks and you're trying to swim against that eternal force that just mentally drains you to the point where you check to see whether you're still physically intact.

Finally, I'm sorry that I will not kneel down to you and that I will not surrender to the world. I'll walk with it. I will not be swallowed up by this bottomless pit. I've got too much fight in me to be defeated the way you're letting yourself be defeated. I am not you. Do not bring me down with you. I've got my hand outstretched, take it or leave it.

parallel lines

I’ve never had anybody to think of when I listened to these love songs. People always turned up in my mind but they were never made to stay or they never came at the right time. I’ve always had bad timing, and been lied to several times. With you, it just seems different; even though it’s just been one time...I saw you and I didn’t think of everything I usually do. As a person, a lot of what you did just touched me, quietly observing you, don’t judge me.

I never really knew what this would feel like. Is this the real deal or is this just close enough to get by? Are you just a vision of what my perfect dream would look like? Why can’t I put a face to the heart or a moment that I live by? Its coz we didn’t have time, it was always just a pass by. Always on the phone, texting, home alone. Always made the time for you, now I don’t really know whether if I stop showing affection whether you’ll jump in and question, my absence, my withdrawal and whether I’m still in this. You wanted to give it a try, boy I’m trying, and I’m restless. I’m biting off the business side of this love, screw the formality, God’s the judge, I’m asking you really, I want an answer baby, just tell me if you really feel the same way too.

Maybe I’m infatuated, they all say this is impossible and maybe we’re just saying the right things and that’s why we’re always so breathless and I can’t even think of leaving yet, not when I’m so caught up in it. My mind’s always travelling and I can’t seem to draw it in, do you feel the same way I do? Does your mood depend on my mood? Or are we just two people that could have worked, if time would be a friend and not hurt us so deep?

Nawh, I’ll let my heart shh. I need to have time for myself too. God’s trying to show me that it ain’t about obsession, lovers need their space too. It’s cool, I got you :)