Help yourself

The best help is self-help. Now I don't know whether that's a cliche or not, but I genuinely believe we undermine the power of taking our own advice.

All too often, I have fallen into a spiral of self-accusation, blaming my unhappiness on the most mundane tiny incidents, allowing a small situation to have a larger-than-life effect. If someone asked me how my day was, the answer would always be, "I'm tired" or "It was tiring". In fact, I can't remember the last time I got up in the morning to bless my day. To look up to myself and say, "You are a winner, you got this." We spend so much time criticizing ourselves that we forget how important appreciating ourselves is. 

So much good can come if we begin positively. Instead of whining, be thankful. Someone definitely has it worse than you. Your problem can be fixed. YOU are fixable. Put a brave face on. Listen to uplifting music. Allow yourself to enjoy your life. Free yourself from being solely focused on the little black dot in a large white space. 

Listen to yourself. Actually, record yourself talking. Do you sound negative and tired all the time? Are you complaining more than you are complimenting? Are you being bitter when you think you are being practical or realistic? Are you sounding optimistic? Do you think you sound happy? These are important questions. They define the way you come across when other people hear you speak. The words that come out of your mouth are a reflection of what you feel inside. If you master up the courage and motivation to fix your problems, you will sound brave and hopeful and inspirational. Even to someone else who could be needing a little push themselves.

Why is it that we never listen to our own advice? Not listen to, failing to compliment and always complain about yourself and your life is exactly the opposite of the steps we need to take. To have a healthy life, a good life, you need to pay attention to who you are. You can only do that once you give yourself credit for existing, for being a real human-being with feelings and emotions and ambitions and ANSWERS.

So stop selling yourself short. You have an infinite amount of hope available unto you. Mine away against the core of your distress. You have the strength of character, I know you do because to have a strong character you have to make it first. The first step is always a step. An action. A move forward. A breaking of stagnant thought and mind and body.

Listen to yourself. Give yourself advice. Lay the bricks to the foundation of your character. Build your own house. Because that way, you will give no one else the power to knock you down. Do not undermine who you are and what you are capable of. 

I believe in the power of human perseverance. It all starts with you taking the first step. I'm ready now, are you?

eight days to 20

I am so scared. 
So afraid of failure, 
of obesity, 
of someone looking at me 
in repulse and disgust, 
mortified to find 
the blemishes on my skin
and even more repelled 
by the open sores 
of my heart.

I'm afraid of being misunderstood,
understood perfectly, 
being laughed at for being 
eccentrically extraordinary, 
and at the same time in my hovering frame, 
traditional values are the bones
that make me, I'm afraid of being boring
and old-fashioned. 
I'm afraid of that rancid undertone in your voice,
laced with scorn,
when you say, "It's okay, I understand. 
You don't have to if you don't want to."

Sometimes I wish I could skip out 
on parts of life altogether;
much like an acne-scarred, 
buck-toothed, 
fat, 
bulimic, 
awkward 
tall girl 
wishes 
she could skip out on high school. 

But where is the fun in that? 
Relief is only momentary, 
temporary 
and solitary in such things, 
and 20?

20 is coming my way.
Whether I like it or not.

a letter to pressure

let me remind you of something as we speak, tentatively, cautiously, focusing so hard on being politically correct, politely forgetting the tension as we speak our tenses perfectly trying to breathe softly as our hearts beat furiously against a box we are dragged up to fit in, every day they try and every day they fail. we come to the door and we stop at the steps, we see the crimson across the landing and we must confess, we are not fools, we are not entitled to hear anymore of this.

keep quiet, because we know what we have to do. we have to figure it out as we go along, so don't crucify us for making mistakes, don't hurry us so you can hurry us into the life you want to see us live. don't try and sanctify a sinner's soul when you're a born sinner yourself, when you're a thief, robbing yourself of the freedom that He meant to give us. Not the rules and the limits you set to trap us, no.

we stand in defiance, we stand because we reach up to laugh in your face, we choose to hold it together, even when it's falling apart, we will choose when to let go, when we're ready enough. we're not polishing your shoes so don't tell us what to do. we're young people with purposes that we will find in time, so right now, we will focus on thinking with light, brightening our minds, with music, art, science and culture, intelligence we create, mysteries we debate, evil we subjugate. we promise to stay awake to enjoy our young lives so even when you try and find us again, try and prey on us in the disguise of friends, lovers, opportunities cloaked in venom, know that we are wary of your tricks, we are not victims, we diminished our false pride in the thick hide society made us grow, against the poisoned whips that wrap themselves around our throats. you'd love to watch as we bled, drops of dignity on the steps, washing away the integrity in our defense.

consuming us you think is the answer. well, we welcome the challenge and we see no comparison, no sense in besting each other for the fleeting chance to win. what? our ends are all the same so we seek better things, we will define what success truly is as we fight for better days, moments of self-praise not afraid to face ourselves in our mirrors, a subtle embrace as i say keep your head up bright eyes, because there's a reason why life takes a lifetime to create and a moment to destroy, listen to me for people die unsatisfied, paralyzed by their own devices, unbaptized in the blessings of this life. if you tell me it's a meaningless existence, then i choose to reply: the beautiful sad things i fill my life with are the reasons i survive, they give me reasons, i've realised not to give up, or to give in to these demons i despise.

watch us blaze up the sky. 

invictus

mama i'll be on in 3 minutes,

i know i left the house slammin' the door,

but it's my big game,

and daddy, i know you can't stay mad at me

for doing something i love.

i got all ready to play, won't you get up to

look at me go,

red and black,

french braid in.

walking tall like

i made a personal deal

with God that day

to say that if i won

i wouldn't have to surrender to anyone.

see, we're a different kind of brave.

we know what's coming.

and yet we still behave

like we've got all these blessings

but we know all we got

is that jersey on our backs,

the wind at our heels,

the team,

the figures and the stats.

you've got 3 minutes

3 minutes to show us, kid, 

what you trained 52 weeks

and 10 days to win.

yeah the trophy looked nice,

but when when the pain kicks in,

everything else fades,

and all the panic starts to melt

the core of your fibre

as you start to repent,

as you start caving into the ground,

there's scream out your mouth,

and faster than a heartbeat,

you lost something you just 

found.

i know what it's like

and that's why i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

so don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself,

don't do what i did,

get back out there,

get help,

get back in.

we're tough girls,

but we ain't stupid, oh no.

so sister to sister,

let me give you the respect

you deserve,

for standing up to more than

your parents, or the whole world

that asks the same question:
"why were you even playing you silly girl?"

i know what drove you,

and i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

not to be defeated,

or consecrated,

be laughed at,

debilitated.

so you hang in there,
may your pride survive

with the humility this game

teaches us not to deny

because those 3 minutes

they missed,

was the time you owned the field,
making up for all the bruises you couldn't see

but you damn well could feel, 

the one time you proved it to yourself,

that when you made the choice to play the game,

my sister,

you made the choice to win.  
God bless you, and keep you safe.

Get well soon, Amen xx

Keep faith

Where do we go?

When we know the gates of heaven

are closed.

And the lights that shine on Broadway are far away,

and our hopes and dreams,

a feather to blow,

in the wind.

What do we see?

When we look into the faces of our children,

Do we promise them of life faithfully?

Or do we smile at them and tell them,

We will go.

And the gates of heaven'll be

standing ajar.

And the lights that shine the world, they're not far.

And our hopes and dreams

will always set us free.

Can we feel the wind

on our faces as we

fly across the seas?

Do we remember old and new

and their to-be's?

Do we sigh and smile

as nostalgia breaks

the evening tide?

Where do we go?

When we find the world's

a dark and scary place?

When the life that brought the August springs are far away.

And the petrified trees whisper to us,

as we walk.

What do we fear?

Have our friends just left us hanging on the shores?

And the bells that set the doves free, they're no more.

When family completely turns away?

Seems like yesterday.

But you should know

that there is hope

because there's tomorrow yet again.

And through death,

another life enters in.

And there's love for each and every turn away.

Just keep faith . . . keep faith

looking back #tbt

I didn't understand why everyone was feeling so disconnected after Frosh. For me, a new time had begun, I had so much energy, I knew so many people. I was buzzing with excitement, with the need to keep up a fantastic start and continue to do more for the college I had so quickly grown to love. Being recognized, being known, and being seen meant so to someone that thought they'd just remain a someone, a melancholic face in the crowd, so far away from home. I was challenged, I was driven, and sure enough, the fall came masked in many ways.

Just when I felt I got to grips with things, or started to get a grip on getting a grip, life pulled the rug. There I went, twirling sideways, whirling all the rationality out of my decisions and like a spinning top,  I was dizzy, directionless but always in motion for some weird reason. Every atom of my body appeared to be in collision with something, constantly fighting the urge to give up, or to give in to nostalgia, to negative emotion, or to the erratic currents of thought that tried to take the best away.

I had packed away 18 years of my life into two suitcases to move into my sister's downtown apartment first semester. The second, I moved to Newmarket into my new family home where I'd be eagerly waiting for summer- my whole family would eventually be making the big move from Dubai to Canada. It seemed like change was something constant everyday. It is when I look back that I realise that everything I knew about myself had totally changed.

I lost my fear and apprehension at Frosh. I found it again soon enough when I started to really get into my studies here. The fear of making it through first year with a 3.0, getting into my subject Posts, the fear of another failed midterm. The apprehension to connect with people again was fuelled by the cold unsettlement I started feeling because I missed home. I missed the security, I missed knowing what it was like to have my best friends around. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. The house felt empty, it felt temporary.

My life had gone so far in such short time. The university helped guide and encourage my interests; singing at open mic nights and the WW art showcase, helping out with the UTSU, reading poetry and articles in various college papers, and following the debate on the survival of women's varsity rugby in UTSG to name few. Just as I started the semester, I was already running for the First-Year student director, being exposed to student politics and so many extracurriculars, juggling my studies and relationships, and I was out of breath.

I got so tired because I was actually trying to get the little things right: get to class on time, deliver on my deadlines, ask questions, keep in touch with friends from home, and hold my own above all.

If I had to say anything to my fellow first-years, it would be this: first year ran right through us leaving holes in all of us, some managed to get theirs filled, others still walk around trying to figure what the means the most, what will bridge the insatiable gap between silence and action. Do the little things, get back to the basics. Go to a poetry slam, visit the greenhouse or check Queens St. West out. Do what makes you happy because if there's anything that UofT's drilled into my brain, its that time is so totally irreplaceable and your sanity is too.

If you want to know if it ends, it doesn't.  YOU get better though. How? You have to stop, and when you do, take a breather, and look back to work backwards; its a good way to know how much time you have left and how much time you need to move forward. These next few years are all about you. Make them worth remembering. 

sleep well

Listen.

You’re not wrong for enjoying times with guys. Not all of them are going to last more than memories of a good night. Not all of them will ask for your number. Not all of them will talk to you the morning after. And even if they still do all these things, not all of them will keep talking to you, unless fate smiles upon you and you meet again.

You see you’re young, and being young means having a good time without any attachments, and yet having a good time without being reckless. It means exploring your tastes, diving in deeper into conversations, satire and minds you have never seen before, opening yourself up to a myriad of tumultuous experiences that should shake you up from rock bottom, or leave you where it found you.

Don’t try to hold on so tightly to anything. Just be easy and let it go. Enjoy it for what it is and let it go. Do your own thing, explore in your own way. Don’t be limited in your thought and yet, do not be too generous with it.

Having a boyfriend is okay. Dating is okay. Having a casual fling is okay. As long as your dignity, priorities and self-interests are not compromised, you should have a good time. You should be reserved enough to really highlight the moments when you let your hair down. Be economic with your speech, think before you say it and then when you do, speak to make impressions. When you dance, dance wholeheartedly, warm up a bit, and then really push at the boundaries, don’t be afraid to go for it. It’s a dance, it’s making up for what you can’t say in words, or do with actions.

Don’t feel like you’re constrained. Be open. Be mature. Be bold. Your confidence is beautiful and so are you. You’re only as good as you think you are. You deserve to feel good, as long as you work for it. And you are working for it, so don’t be afraid to be assertive, flirt a little and have some fun.

You’re young. You’re young. You’re young.

'Two is Better than One'

"so maybe it's true,  that i can't live without you"

I'm going to start apologizing. Since it's something I'm pretty good at.

First,
I'm sorry you don't like that I stood up for my own self-respect and my integrity and the standards I keep for my friendship. I'm sorry you'll have to wait to see what you've closed yourself up to. Because that truth, that truth's real ugly

Second,
I'm sorry we don't have much time. You make me feel so good about liking you. I'm sorry this isn't transparent. I'm sorry I don't know your heart the way you know mine. I'm sorry I'm so hard to be around sometimes. But the thing is, I'm so unashamed when it comes to feeling for you. I'm sorry I don't know how to explain what this means to me. But I'm trying everyday. Because...I don't want you to ever look back on this, and think you didn't know how important you are to me. I want to make the most of the time we have, and I'm so sorry if it feels like I'm rushing...or that I'm saying everything before I forget. Thing is, all I want to do is just be there for you. Please don't put me out in the dark...I'm opening up to you and it's been so long since I've let this happen. I don't know, either. I'm clueless too. But I want to believe in what I do know, and there's just so much I'd do for you. Take me up, just give me a chance. If it means standing in front you, convincing you everyday, I'll do that too. I'm not desperate to be understood, not even by you. I'm my own person. But I can't help wanting you to be a part of my life. I just want you to stay so bad. You're a total stranger, but you're so close to me? I don't know how all of this is even possible haha. A meeting of two hearts earnest and true, blossoming at one touch, eternal beauty.

Third,
I'm sorry sometimes I can't respond as positively as I'd like. Sometimes, you gotta take a day off, and get rid of things that are making you sink. It's going to be hard because while you're struggling for breaths, you're fighting off all the chains, all the locks and you're trying to swim against that eternal force that just mentally drains you to the point where you check to see whether you're still physically intact.

Finally, I'm sorry that I will not kneel down to you and that I will not surrender to the world. I'll walk with it. I will not be swallowed up by this bottomless pit. I've got too much fight in me to be defeated the way you're letting yourself be defeated. I am not you. Do not bring me down with you. I've got my hand outstretched, take it or leave it.

the sides of my fingers

So softly, let the nib scratch the paper.
let the moment dissolve before us.
let there be some light.
wait, while the raindrops catch the ashes
and the fight in us leaves some gashes
or some wounds, and scars.

just find me, while my tongue rolls out
incandescent words.
just hold me, when all i can see is darkness,
and i feel i can’t be heard.
no don’t defeat me, but just be there so i know
i’ll have a shelter.
just be clear, so i know your voice
and not your whisper.

let’s sit down. In the quiet before the
noise disrupts the silence.
before the birds awake and time finds our distance.
before the sunlight calls and shadows start to glisten.
just hold on.
to the fires in our souls and the magic connections.
to the passion of our hearts and our submissions.
to the beats we seek inside of our digressions.
to the rhythm in the chaos of expression.

just believe us, while we lie and still
speak the truth with wisdom.
while we pave your way, but cannot
write your existence.
when we find someone, but cannot
find their twisted
little tales.

so will you call me out into the darkness?
will you finally bring yourself back forgetting business.
will you look me in the eye against my wishes?
or will you tell me that you love me,
and give no kisses.

will the dust that you gather show the missing?
will the people that you played, lose their lisps?
or will, your wings just skyrocket to the ground
or will they swallow up the town, red and brown.

no, have i lost the brightness of tomorrow?
why do you ask me with a touch of sorrow?
do i think your words are laced with ice and pity?
do i fear you and your mind and love
that quit me?
no, you do not know what happened to our losses.
you cannot hear the passion residing in our voices.
you cannot look for that which is not there.
no you cannot be without your bones and your hair.

now hush now, let us stare out into the distance.
let me mould you, let me heal you, you’re my vision.
you’ll be the passive piece of me, the most accepting.
but you’ll find the words to say, one day you’ll say them.
just right now, in this moment, can i listen?
not jungles, or the news, or the bless’d ones.
just to you, crying, naked and undressed like
somebody took your clothes and warmth and fed them
to some lonely soul that lived life good-will hunting.

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - sunset

09 October 2011 13:05:06