a.

jesus christ, has it really been 10 years?
how've you been, it's been so long since
i've heard your voice anywhere else but my head
playing it now and then
brokenrecords
shards of vinyl memories
scattered across the floor
marrying the bits of that horrible vase
your wonderful mother gave us.

how's your little sister? has she grown up
with a mouth on her too, she was such a smart girl
so pretty too, how are you handling all the attention
from all the boys, remember
how we used to laugh at how
we'd have to wait baseball bat
in hand at the door
because you couldn't ever believe
she'd like my advice more
and flaunt it, baby, flaunt it.
there's no use in veiling 
such a beautiful thing, no?

did you ever become a writer?
those poems you'd read out to
me in the mornings
before i'd open my eyes
whispering the words so poignantly
that they'd tangle themselves in my hair
with the scent of you
left in me 
lasting the whole day,
a scent i'd never thought
i'd have to forget until
i'd close my eyes
and find it again.

oh is that your wife?
hi, yes i'm just an old friend
oh you're gorgeous
sorry, it's been years
i'm so overwhelmed
i'm well thank you, and
oh my, is that your..your son?
well, he's certainly got your mischevious 
head of hair,
oh he doesn't have to say hi if he doesn't
want to,
awh well, it's lovely to meet you too.
ah i'm sorry, you look in a hurry
oh wow, so it's true you did become a doctor
that must be an important function for you
i'm happy to hear that!
what are they awarding you for?
gosh, that's wonderful, and
just dropping the little one at the sitter's?

which flat is it?
i could take him,
it's no trouble
i'm looking after kids too now y'know
after...what happened...
we've always wanted children,
it's a good time to spend the evenings
i don't feel as lonely,
he was a good man
and i miss him terribly
but now
i want to just be useful
especially to people that still have the time
to spend with each other
yes, it's a delightful business,
i'm actually expecting a child right now.

312? oh would you look at that,
that's me.

have a good night, we'll be fine.

yes?
i don't know how you could call me beautiful.
i thought you grew numb to my face
a long time ago.
i'm sorry,
it's just been so long,
you look great though.
i missed seeing you smile.
but don't let me keep you,
she's waiting.

have a great night.

Unlocked doors into Wednesday Afternoons

I was a moment on your lips.

I was a part of the sheets.

We were tangled in them.

We were separated

And yet we moved

We gripped

We pulled

Ourselves

All we knew

For all we felt

We never felt

Again.

I was on a parallel shore,

And I was running beside you.

A river separated us

And with a stream you drifted apart

So easily you disappeared into the horizon and I

Was lying against my own

When suddenly a vision of you appeared and

All I knew I forgot.

Just to be with you

I left it all

For a moment

To be with you

I’d forgive

All of you and yet none of you

I’d let live.

impossible

'i was careless, i forgot'

come on eileen

I remember watching my two bestfriends dance like crazy to this song. It was my 17th birthday, everyone else had left. We were all dancing, I can remember everything...down to what we were wearing and which lights were on in the house. They were in a world of their own when that song came on. I mean they absolutely loved it. Angharad's weird taste in this music just got me shaking my head, it was expected...but then Steph, who's supposed to have the best music taste among all of us, started going mental with Ango on this song. I was just like, "God, what on earth have you done with my bestfriends??"
I never thought this song was anything special. Like ever.

Then...I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is a brilliant movie about overcoming your demons, creating new ones, making mistakes, feeling like you were one, and then just, coming out of it all with some sort of purpose at the end of the day...some sort of feeling like life goes on, and those that matter will find you, will come to wherever you are, just to be with you- to click 'replay', and get that old cassette player going again.

Watching Sam, Charlie and Patrick dance to that song, I could relate so much to him, to Charlie...waiting on the sidelines, only to get pulled in by two eager sets of arms, only to be pushed into the chasm between surviving and living. Remember what it felt like taking that breath after being underwater so long? Or what it was to reach the end of the line after a race? Maybe what it was like to reach home and freefall in your bed, dead tired? 

My friends relieved me of my exhaustion. Life isn't about being hyper. Yet, it's still about having the last bit of energy, that'll make you go the mile, even if you're tired. Like Charlie, I was starting to get bad again. There are different kinds of 'bad'. For me, it wasn't the drugs, it wasn't the alcohol, it was forgetting that people do move on if they let themselves. It has been very hard for me, just because I forget sometimes, that it is possible. I need reasons, to go back to being 'bad'. Thing is, if you search for reasons, you'll find them...anything from abuse and poverty to the pressures of being in the limelight and monied. But the point is to look beyond it all, to just freakin' break loose, and let go to give yourself a chance. 

I found that I love starting again. Wipe my slate clean, go on. I'll still be able to make it. I'll still be able to leave my mark. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I'm trying and although, a lot of things from my past seem to crop up now, I will make sure I will deal with them gracefully. There's nothing else to do if I want to be someone that believes in fairness and truth. 

I realised, after watching that movie...that if I ever got the chance again, things would be different.

It was the 'four of us' that day, posing for that picture, 'la quartet', the wolfpack, lol all our lame ass names. It was. The only thing that hasn't changed is that it is still and will always be, Ango's and Sefa's song. I'd give anything to watch them dance to it again, and you know what? Maybe the next time...I'll join in for sure. 

'for you that love to dance <3 '

MIDTERM SEASON

Fatigue. That's all that I seem to be emitting right now. I keep wandering around  half lost searching for a place to study or work or read or just generally do one damn thing that is productive. 

Without sports, I really feel like my life lacks rejuvenation at this point. Physical workouts are so vital to your mental health, and I guess, until and unless you are pushed to your limits, you won't be able to accept the fact that there are some key ways to get rid of all the tension, stress and anxiety, no matter how lazy you feel.

I miss tiring myself out at rugby practise or playing a game of streetball with my cousins. It's a different sort fatigue lol! One that doesn't make me feel like my life depends on it!
But oh my days, these midterms...they are something else entirely.

I'm just going to let these ones go. Honestly. Still got one more tomorrow. Geography. It's sooo not high school anymore. 

not a hypocrite

I really don't think that cutting people out of my life when they've hurt me is the answer anymore. I've done it to two people who really deserved it...and truth to be told, it really killed.

The first time, I think I was completely justified when I say sometimes you are going to get people that really don't deserve to know you. People that are just too small in themselves. End of.

For the second time, I would say that sometimes your part in their story is over. It is now their turn, and if they don't take it, you gotta keep moving on until they realise what they lost. If they come to find you, I really don't know what I'd do personally, but everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I don't know if I'd be friends with that person again, but I think once that person understands their actions exactly and acts upon that understanding to full a promise that they will never leave you there again, perhaps, then its worth taking them back.

Recently, I've been faced with a huge dilemma. Someone very special entered my life not too long ago, and I ended up liking that person a lot. However, mistakes were made, one thing led to another, hurt bred fear, and fear bred lies and next thing, you have it, I shoved the problem in limbo because I had to sort life out on my end before I could even think about addressing such a large problem.

It's hard to find the meaning in the moments we shared. It would be wrong to dismiss all of them and say there was nothing. There was a muted friendship, because one of our hearts was silent, and it was not mine.

Not knowing someone will mean you take a chance on them, and to make up for the time that you don't spend on them, you take guesses at their nature, or how they'd react to things or situations. You'd assume their preferences according to their personalities and what your mutual friends tell you. You start loving the person everyone else sees and the person you need to see in the time you have, and not the person that they are. Sometimes, it takes time, it really does, to recognise the finer things, to see the smaller nuances, and to feel those vibes that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it takes time or experience to truly see the worth of the person...this might prevent you from hurting them. Even though hurting someone should be completely unnecessary as a means of going about things, sometimes it happens like that. You will disappoint because you can't please everyone. But that shouldn't be an excuse for taking someone's integrity, or the respect they give you for granted.

Life is not about taking. It is and always has been about giving. Do not be prepared to speak words you cannot stand by, stand up for beliefs you cannot live by and live for a life you cannot be proud of. I am not a hypocrite, and I try really hard not to be. So I'm taking a chance on you, because you will need me more than you deserve me at the moment, and you are better than the mistake you have made. But do not take my love for granted again, because being my friend is not easy. I do not need people who will leave, because I will always be there.

So be fierce in your love, or don't love at all. I'd rather have a speechless animal by my side than a human being that cannot communicate what love is or deliver it entirely.