quit the rules

quit the rules man, the don't kiss on the first date rule,
the don't call her for 4 days after she gives you her number rule
the rule that says you aren't allowed to text him first
or the one that says he should be the one asking you to dance,
but what if he touched you first,
and she loved you first,
no i'm not talking about dying for you love,
i'm talking about she loving what she sees,
and the way he loves what he feels.

i know you don't want to do anything you regret,
but those connections aren't easy to get,
so why you trying to front
so quick to fret
based on what the last guy did
or the last girl said.

if you got some beautiful goddess in front of you
and you got this classy sexy beau double-checking you
and you know it's good because you feel it's clean
they're those decent vibes that you can see and feel,
and when you move closer,
why don't you just show him what you feel,
having a conversation with your bodies,
but you're worried about what the word on the street is
about what you do, and whom with
man who cares where the street is
you're here right now
hold the defense
coz he's transporting you to another planet with this remix,
humble like a soldier
fighter with his guns wrapped around you like corona
baller yes, you can take me off the floor now
let's do it to our own beat
coz you deserve that kinda honour

see rules, just complicate things
under the disguise of protection
some of them just make you feel shit
you deciding something before it even happens
just go with flow and if you like it,
tell him, don't make that boy feel like
a fool for being a romantic
respond to each other
and you'll know when it happens
coz you weren't blindsided by some captions
looking somewhere else like you got lost in translation
no.

so tonight my ladies and gents,
if you find that strange connection,
just do your thayng,
no questions.
smile, walk up to them,
coz in more ways than one you're attractive.
so let yourself have a taste of that magic.

This is not psychology

I think time was contracted to run faster as we got older. Or maybe we just got busier, we got heavier, we got slower.

Every day seems to move at a different pace bringing me new things every moment.

Every year seems to whitewash the last, a whole year of inescapable bubbles I found myself in, is pushed to the back of the shelf. Further and further till I have forgotten what those feelings were like.

The people that were a part of my life, the music that filled in the spaces when silence was nowhere around to quieten down the restlessness of a childhood passed from hand to hand.

I’m afraid that as we move into our futures, we lose our chances when we quarrel, when we slur against each other, when we are separated. When we are hurt, we start turning away from the world, we start turning our backs on our parents, and our siblings and we choose to forget them. We forget to take them along to share in our moments.

I know there are some things I need to experience for myself and I will, gladly. Space is something we all crave but at the same time, as easy as we demand it, that’s how quickly we want it to disappear. We try and wish it away, but we still feel cornered by what we have asked for.

I’m afraid that when I look into the future, I won’t see the people I love because I would have forgotten to love them. I would have just gotten angrier and angrier that they couldn’t understand me, how I grew and why I turned out to be the way I am. I forget that I didn’t give them the time of day, I didn’t let them care about me because when they tried, I didn’t explain. I didn’t want to take the effort with them. Instead, I wasted my time with strangers and people that took me for granted. I chose to tell them when they couldn’t care less about me or what would happen to me.

I told them anyway. Because telling them was easier, facing them felt lighter and talking to them, reaching out to them I did quicker than searching for the caring in my own blood.

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to be detached. We all have to move on. But we don’t have to forget. I want to learn from them as much as I can. I don’t want to have to regret that I wouldn’t know what they’d say or how they’d feel. They are not my enemies. These are people that had lives before I happened. These are people that made plenty of their own mistakes. These are people that tried to be right and sacrificed who they were for me, so I could grow.

Who shut up, so I could rant. Who got hurt, so I didn’t have to.

But I did, I still did. Even after you stood to try and protect me, you didn’t protect me from yourself. I didn’t think it would occur to you how important you were. But now you do, you are what I know of love, sacrifice, pain, and strength.

MIDTERM SEASON

Fatigue. That's all that I seem to be emitting right now. I keep wandering around  half lost searching for a place to study or work or read or just generally do one damn thing that is productive. 

Without sports, I really feel like my life lacks rejuvenation at this point. Physical workouts are so vital to your mental health, and I guess, until and unless you are pushed to your limits, you won't be able to accept the fact that there are some key ways to get rid of all the tension, stress and anxiety, no matter how lazy you feel.

I miss tiring myself out at rugby practise or playing a game of streetball with my cousins. It's a different sort fatigue lol! One that doesn't make me feel like my life depends on it!
But oh my days, these midterms...they are something else entirely.

I'm just going to let these ones go. Honestly. Still got one more tomorrow. Geography. It's sooo not high school anymore. 

CHOKE

Friendships are great great things to make, especially hard to keep, and absolutely wonderful to have.

If they go well, that is.

It feels like there's an arrow in my chest and all the words I need to say are written on a note that's been pierced through with it. It's like a 'kick-me' sign, or something you'd see...a piece of robin-hood literature on a tree somewhere. I feel looted for loss of a better word.

Looted of my ability to express myself...and currently, trying to speak to a certain someone has been very very difficult. Trusting someone again with the intimacy of your thoughts and the raw nature of your emotion and true self is NOT easy. Obviously. Then, having this weakness...your awkwardness suddenly resembles someone they know, and the only way they can console you is that, they know 'you'll come around', so automatically a bridge is built and a map is drawn, and you will follow the markers set out for you...they wait, you start loosening up, you become really good friends and everyone's happy. 

But the things is, I don't know why its so hard to speak to you. Maybe its this gigantic fear of being vulnerable, or sounding so self-absorbed. Maybe its because I'm so intrigued by you and how good of a person you are. I could never tell you this in person, but I actually really really think you are absolutely amazing. Which is the primary reason why I choke...I don't want to ruin this. You don't know what you're getting into when you ask me 'Why?'. 

Sometimes I feel I should just take a deep breath and take the plunge, and it doesn't matter what you think of me and there's nothing more I want than to not be compared to her. I am so completely done with being compared to 'her'. I'm me. And all I want, is to be honest. With myself and with those that matter.

And you know what the scary thing is? You're starting to matter.

Sky high; always

You know what?

Everything might really be happening all at once, and you may feel like you are totally mindf*k'd. But it's okay, and I'll tell you why.

If life really is testing you and it cooked up some bad shizz to see how far you could be pushed, stand up to it! Deal with it because I've realised that running away and putting all your problems into a corner will only just cram your mind and make you feel trapped, encircled by your swirling emotions and thoughts.

I wrote about everything you wanted coming at you like a train in your last 6 months of high school...and I meant it. It isn't going to get easier, no. How you deal with things though, that will always change because you grow as a person everyday. Look back, and if you've been true enough to yourself, you'll know that you should get stronger, so no matter what comes at you, you're ready to take the hit. (I'm a rugby player, I breathe that sport, so any reference to big hits, you know I know my shit haha)

It's been a while since I've been feeling really down about things. About people and leaving, about home and university, about family and friends and just generally, doubting, second guessing myself. Uh uh, not anymore. I'll y'all the truth, so you know this isn't some idealistic bullsh*t rant...

I got my final exams in 2 weeks. As of now I feel totally unprepared for them.
I'm waiting on a certain someone to deliver, to make up his mind, whether he really wants me in his life or not.
I'm sorting out my first semester at uni as well. All by myself.

Those are just a few of the things that have been eating away at my sanity. Apart from health-related issues within my family, my mom making her annual move to the US to study in her summer PhD program, the added responsibility of holding the house together and taking care of my family, I need to make sure I spend my remaining days in my hometown with the people who truly matter.


I've decided to really right-hook this b*tch of a challenge back. Man, I'm so done being pulled under. Listen to me, because I regret not doing this for myself earlier.

People who are gonna really want you around, really love you and really love your company, they gon' make an effort to talk to you. They are going to call to hear your voice, they're gonna send you funny stuff to make you laugh when you're stressed, they're going to hold you up even when you feel like you're done. Believe me, people who don't let you think nothing but positive, those are the kinds of people you need around you. Haters, cac talkers, and anyone else that's been bringing you down...let 'em go to hell, man. However, if these people are someone important to you, grab 'em by the arms, and tell 'em to wake the fk up. Because you don't need that right now, love, faith and hope, that's gonna get you by.

If y'all are at school, don't let your mind wander. Hit them books hard, make a real effort to study those concepts, you never know how useful what you learn will be later on in your life. Don't just study for the sake of studying, you'll never go through high-school again. Make it count. Your sufferings lol or your good times, make it all worth it.

If you need to say something to someone, make sure you say it. Screw waiting...sometimes, you won't get the chance again, and other times, maybe you just need to bloody do it for yourself. So you can fill in those empty places that they refuse to fill, just so you can move the heck on.

Spend your time carefully. Remember it's not meant to be easy. Always take it from a different perspective. Find someone who makes you look at life differently. Zoom out, look at the beauty in everything. Even through your most helpless times, use your inner strength. Don't let your legs buckle. I did. But I don't regret it. I was sent to my knees, it's a different view from down there.

Humility, understanding, acceptance - I'm nodding my head. Sometimes you gotta be weighed down, you gotta be brought down, and then when you rise, against all the odds, against everything that you feel could possibly go wrong, the feeling grows within you. Your purpose, your spirit and your drive is reignited. You'll get where you need to go. Don't worry, nothing good comes from worrying. Don't let your fire go out, dim your light if you have to. But live right on after, what is there to be afraid of when you want to live so true, so right and so hard?

My gloves are back on, man.
Sorry I took so long, but I'm back (:

Everything will happen the way it's mean to.
Bring it!

I was looking for a picture when I saw the source, it inspired me even more = http://love4amazed.blogspot.com/2011/10/god-gave-you-fighters-spirit-gw4365.html 

FightersAlwaysxx

Music that lifted my mood:

KiD CuDi- Sky High
Jason Mraz- I won't give up
James Morrison- I won't let you go

*big shout out to my girl Sefa and my bolo, Pataytay, Ange- you're a constant inspiration love you bro thanks for never giving up on me, you even prayed :P;  E <3 I have faith in you, no matter what xx*