What you said last night

You pay attention to the cracks in the crevasse, 

to the intention in the innuendo,
and the song in the silence.You wait for the twill in the twilight 

the erotic sense of night time
clocks in
-
as the smoke rolls,
another long pull on the pipe
and the smoke flows
shrouding your face
as the storm grows,

are we biting off

more than we can chew
or are we just fools…
daring to dream another dream
than the ones life chose,

waking up as it seems
we’ve been asleep to

Each other’s presence
until we collided,

Like stars you said,
the magic ignited

A spark in me and you

And a flame was lit

The truth shone

Although not perfect,
We fit perfectly.

For I saw the God in you.
As you saw the God in me.

I can’t help how I feel

And you’re so helpless in it too.

You ask me what’s been on my mind,

And for the past two weeks, it’s been you.

I keep thinking back on last night,

Will it ever happen again?

Do you want me to be next to you?

Can we ever be just friends?

I can sincerely try my best

I’ll promise you that much.

But in the back of my head,

There’s always be an iota of lust

For that one little moment

Where if we could we would’ve

But you know it can’t be you

Because you know I’m keeping it safe,

For a man who’ll love me the way I need

Behold my rightful place.

I’m the shadow in your periphery,

A little bird, I am your friend.

I’m the name you call in your soliloquy

I’m the thirst you never quench.

Cloaked in bad timing,

I’ll stay faithful

Until the end.

But I’ll be living
while I’m waiting for you

If you ever come

To claim what’s left.

Sleepless on the Horizon

Cold cornerstones of this city

Are not a comfortable perch

The wind renders me invisibly disposable

and my heart in its desolation lurks,

waiting around street corners

For the first available turn

to declare its existence

Sleepless on the horizon,

purple, awake insecure.

Scraped bucket bottoms

To catch subway trains

Speeding against the concrete breeze,

Leaving behind specks of urban rapture

I’m running past my feet

Scream into the silence

Where no one listens

As Life bites at my heels

As Life bites at my heels

This world is not my home I know

Despite this I confess

This bruised beating heart needs its hope

In the assurance of eternal rest

Between the parted lips of heaven and hell

the water is so blue

Grant me comfort underneath the stars

A teardrop closer to you

A teardrop closer to you

Nearer my God to Thee

I’ve finally reached the shore

Borne all I could

I paid the price

To leave this body here

To be baptised

in the crimson of the sunset sky

Cleansed until

My tears were dry

No longer

Sleepless

Sing lullabies

Sink safely down to sleep

Sink safely down to sleep

Sleepless on the horizon

Your eyes they search for me.

Your eyes they search for me.

Help yourself

The best help is self-help. Now I don't know whether that's a cliche or not, but I genuinely believe we undermine the power of taking our own advice.

All too often, I have fallen into a spiral of self-accusation, blaming my unhappiness on the most mundane tiny incidents, allowing a small situation to have a larger-than-life effect. If someone asked me how my day was, the answer would always be, "I'm tired" or "It was tiring". In fact, I can't remember the last time I got up in the morning to bless my day. To look up to myself and say, "You are a winner, you got this." We spend so much time criticizing ourselves that we forget how important appreciating ourselves is. 

So much good can come if we begin positively. Instead of whining, be thankful. Someone definitely has it worse than you. Your problem can be fixed. YOU are fixable. Put a brave face on. Listen to uplifting music. Allow yourself to enjoy your life. Free yourself from being solely focused on the little black dot in a large white space. 

Listen to yourself. Actually, record yourself talking. Do you sound negative and tired all the time? Are you complaining more than you are complimenting? Are you being bitter when you think you are being practical or realistic? Are you sounding optimistic? Do you think you sound happy? These are important questions. They define the way you come across when other people hear you speak. The words that come out of your mouth are a reflection of what you feel inside. If you master up the courage and motivation to fix your problems, you will sound brave and hopeful and inspirational. Even to someone else who could be needing a little push themselves.

Why is it that we never listen to our own advice? Not listen to, failing to compliment and always complain about yourself and your life is exactly the opposite of the steps we need to take. To have a healthy life, a good life, you need to pay attention to who you are. You can only do that once you give yourself credit for existing, for being a real human-being with feelings and emotions and ambitions and ANSWERS.

So stop selling yourself short. You have an infinite amount of hope available unto you. Mine away against the core of your distress. You have the strength of character, I know you do because to have a strong character you have to make it first. The first step is always a step. An action. A move forward. A breaking of stagnant thought and mind and body.

Listen to yourself. Give yourself advice. Lay the bricks to the foundation of your character. Build your own house. Because that way, you will give no one else the power to knock you down. Do not undermine who you are and what you are capable of. 

I believe in the power of human perseverance. It all starts with you taking the first step. I'm ready now, are you?

Begin.

Begin. Just begin.

Talk freely of wounds that lay cold beneath the callouses of your heart and the moral fibre that strings you together awkwardly.

Honestly, there’s no therapy like my own I guess. I will write to try and make sense of what is in front of me. Write to elate, write to reveal. Write to feel, to no longer conceal. Write to elate, write to relieve. Write when I contemplate, so nothing is lost to the air.

I was thinking about my family yesterday…am I myself with them? Am I completely free in their presence? Do I say what’s truly on my heart or mind? Or do I just hold back, and bottle it down? Why am I not open with them? Because they see my faults maybe. I can’t hide my iniquities from them. I am so imperfect. So imperfect that I don’t bother trying to change their perception of me because I honestly wouldn't know where to start. Actually that’s a lie. I know where to start, I just don’t want to start. Laziness, hesitating with ancient angst I guess. I think our family can only be functional if we don’t really say what’s on our mind. Because if we really said what was on each other’s minds it may be too much to take. I don’t think we can deal with each other’s true feelings. It’s always the wrong time. Everyone’s always hurting, or recovering.  We talk behind each other’s back. We restrain ourselves from each other for the fear of being misunderstood or being understood perfectly.

I suppose no one’s sane all the time. I don’t trust the mental state of the members of my family. One time they can take it, and other times they can’t. One time they’ll be willing to listen and the other times, they really don’t want to. I know my faults. I know what they could throw at me. I am too ashamed of myself to fight back to correct the truth. The truth is the truth. What’s the secret of a happy family life?

I think it starts with each of the family members being at their happiest. Finding their own happiness. It always comes back to oneself. Are you happy where you are? Are you happy with who you are? Do you believe you are doing the best you can to be the best you can be? If the answers to these are yes,  I think we would rarely have problems with each other. We would cleanse our own souls, purge ourselves. To be worthy of the unconditional love that comes with loving members of our family.

Where does selflessness come from? Maybe it comes from the confidence that you are doing all you can to make sure you are taken care of. Now you wish to change to focus from looking inside to looking outside, and nursing the rest of the world. Does selflessness come at the cost of your soul? I don’t think so. If you are doing your best to be the best you are, then you have the space to fight for someone else. Because you are equipped with an undeniable and unbreakable confidence. No one can point a finger in your direction, because you have your back covered.

I want to be strong for you. I want to feel for you. I want to give you the best parts of me. You deserve the best parts of me. We can work this out together right? Please don’t be too tired to listen. Please don’t be too hurt to go on. Tell me that I can have an honest place here.

Where do I start?

It’ll be alright in the end,

If I just

Begin.

made to love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6SGeaQrIU8

hey you,
help me.
peel the lethargy from my body,
reveal strips of unblemished skin
transformed under the pressure,
the heat of experience.
smooth.

you, 
wipe these wounds clean.
please.
wash them out, blow kisses with that 
soft fabric, your fingers
feel like peace to me,
my gashes are closing,
your sweet kisses
sealing them.

stroke my limbs,
ease them down,
draw their length in the pull
of your lips,
contour them
in the movement 
of your hips.

rejuvenate me.

my bones,
my bones remember now
what they're holding up
my frame is clothed,
my shoulders covered,
my legs wrapped,
my arms entangled,
in you.

with the air that
exits,
a wish escapes,
a sigh hits the roof of
my parted mouth,
eyes shut,
still awake,
to hear
to listen to the sounds
of your presence
regardless of the form it takes

i will stay awake for you.
do all or nothing for you,
healed,
i lay afresh,
i've been waiting for this.

with patience,
i've been led out of the abyss,
as you tended to me,
your sustaining touch,
holding that kiss.

ohso

the life of a flier as she lies to the higher
sense of reason as she's tired
waking up in the morning
crack of dawn she's still yawning
but she tumbles out of bed
like her life without warning
decides to expand till it fits
into all the places she's never been
all the places she wants to see
as she's chasing all her dreams
across the seas.

reeling in from the last one,
from the last night
from the last fight
that nobody sees
when he's grinding on someone else
and she thought he'd feel
something for her
like a little emotion never hurt anybody
we all have our scars
we still watch the stars
it's dark out here
and nobody will focus
on your disfigurations when they're
so enamoured by your light.

still no expectations is a tough call
living like a moment's gotta pull through
from a connection everyone thought was magical
but he doesn't seem to know
how when life knocks you down
you get up though, you get up
to see it in her eyes
that she isn't judging you
and you wake up to him
yearning to be forgiven
against the trauma of this world
and the wind couldn't get any colder
as it lashes across her shoulder
without an arm around her
without her personal sun in the winter
it's like a life she never lived
captured in a kodak moment
only good enough for firewood
something to keep her lonely days
warmer, better than nothing at all.
it's happened again.

nauseating to think that the only choices
she's got left is to live a life for herself,
a selfish girl returns selfish to the shelf.
like that's the only safe option,
what a lie in a kiss,
what a lie can be spoken in words that sounded so sweet.

abide with me

I was 5, dressed in my dancing colours.
That day as everyday, you picked me up from pre-school.
Everybody laughed when I said,
"I forgot everything daddy, but I didn't cry."
You just hugged me tight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in lieu of today's crowd,
clinging on to dry-cleaned arms
of suits and shirts
accessorized with sturdy watches
that tick us closer to the days
where we have to live without each other.

today, i remembered the smell of your perfume
how no other man smelt the same
used to be angry at you for so long,
thought you lost your stripes
you didn't bear your fangs like the others
but now i see, you were there.
silent fighter 
fighting battles i couldn't see.
i yearn for the days
walking beside you,
up to you,
sitting by you,
laughing with you
crying for you,
the words do not amount
to how much
but here i am
rings on my fingers,
words in my mouth
years in my eyes,
missing you.

a father's love is like no other,
and as all those girls and boys wiped their eyes
derek redmond at the 1992 olympics
tore strings in our hearts
as he crumbled 250 metres before the finish line.
400 metres away the projector screens can't tell my story
the way they told his,
no one's documented this
us and our struggles
to make it by

a gradual discolouration,
as the colours fade,
the voices die
and i'm left with dreams of
bmw x5s
caricatures of our faces
rolling down out the door
our ages collide as we try and set things straight
the war out in our minds, the debate never wanes.
fighting harder to show you
the truth,
daddy i'm getting by
i'm living this life without you,
and yet if invited, you're by my side.

turned to look at mama and she was lost.
searching for her father too i guess,
imagining him,
the tree of life beareth fruit today
abide with me, abide in me
don't let me go to waste
6000 miles away i can hear you say
don't let me go to waste,
abide with me, abide in me
let me stay.

walk into my door
an old man of 64
crowding the hallway
grandchildren giving him the love he never had
he's finishing a race his father never ran.

a letter to pressure

let me remind you of something as we speak, tentatively, cautiously, focusing so hard on being politically correct, politely forgetting the tension as we speak our tenses perfectly trying to breathe softly as our hearts beat furiously against a box we are dragged up to fit in, every day they try and every day they fail. we come to the door and we stop at the steps, we see the crimson across the landing and we must confess, we are not fools, we are not entitled to hear anymore of this.

keep quiet, because we know what we have to do. we have to figure it out as we go along, so don't crucify us for making mistakes, don't hurry us so you can hurry us into the life you want to see us live. don't try and sanctify a sinner's soul when you're a born sinner yourself, when you're a thief, robbing yourself of the freedom that He meant to give us. Not the rules and the limits you set to trap us, no.

we stand in defiance, we stand because we reach up to laugh in your face, we choose to hold it together, even when it's falling apart, we will choose when to let go, when we're ready enough. we're not polishing your shoes so don't tell us what to do. we're young people with purposes that we will find in time, so right now, we will focus on thinking with light, brightening our minds, with music, art, science and culture, intelligence we create, mysteries we debate, evil we subjugate. we promise to stay awake to enjoy our young lives so even when you try and find us again, try and prey on us in the disguise of friends, lovers, opportunities cloaked in venom, know that we are wary of your tricks, we are not victims, we diminished our false pride in the thick hide society made us grow, against the poisoned whips that wrap themselves around our throats. you'd love to watch as we bled, drops of dignity on the steps, washing away the integrity in our defense.

consuming us you think is the answer. well, we welcome the challenge and we see no comparison, no sense in besting each other for the fleeting chance to win. what? our ends are all the same so we seek better things, we will define what success truly is as we fight for better days, moments of self-praise not afraid to face ourselves in our mirrors, a subtle embrace as i say keep your head up bright eyes, because there's a reason why life takes a lifetime to create and a moment to destroy, listen to me for people die unsatisfied, paralyzed by their own devices, unbaptized in the blessings of this life. if you tell me it's a meaningless existence, then i choose to reply: the beautiful sad things i fill my life with are the reasons i survive, they give me reasons, i've realised not to give up, or to give in to these demons i despise.

watch us blaze up the sky. 

age

chords strike hard,
like they're segregating me
and for what?
i'm tired of not knowing any more.

with every song,
with every note,
you sing me to sleep.
but i want to stay awake,
and you're drugging me to silence.
you're drugging me away.

you want a mute to love.
and i want my man to stay.

the minute i tried to work this life out for us,
i became a threat.
i became a threat for trying
because i filled in for your incapabilities,
trying to complete you like you completed me,
not judging you, just loving you.

but there you sat,
burying me further under the pile 
of paperwork you wanted me to sign.
while i buried in the bills,
in the kids,
while i'm down under,
with the whole department at work
holding me down for a prejudice that belongs to them,
a prejudice that has nothing to do with the way i work,
i'm sorry i can't take the colour of my skin
away from the way my hands move
as i teach the victims of your pasts to
speak the language you sinned against them with.

i can't stop this from taking over.
and i hope i awake,
because my life means nothing without you.
but here i am, the happy fool,
living with a ghost,
while you've been living with a host
as a guest,
in your own home.

everything i did, i did it 
out of love.
and everything you did, you did because 
you were rushed.
all our battles were fought,
without us knowing enough.

now everything i do,
i do to survive.
because my love,
this world is much bigger than just the two of us.
our children live,
and they deserve better than
our example of love.

we're growing old,
you forgot i was still young inside.
you helped me to be young all those years ago,
and now, i've never felt older.
age is what happens when i'm separated from you.
age is what happens when you don't protect me.
age is what happens when we're no longer close.
age is what happens when you say things should have been different.
age is what faces us at every step.
and today,
age is what you reflect.

invictus

mama i'll be on in 3 minutes,

i know i left the house slammin' the door,

but it's my big game,

and daddy, i know you can't stay mad at me

for doing something i love.

i got all ready to play, won't you get up to

look at me go,

red and black,

french braid in.

walking tall like

i made a personal deal

with God that day

to say that if i won

i wouldn't have to surrender to anyone.

see, we're a different kind of brave.

we know what's coming.

and yet we still behave

like we've got all these blessings

but we know all we got

is that jersey on our backs,

the wind at our heels,

the team,

the figures and the stats.

you've got 3 minutes

3 minutes to show us, kid, 

what you trained 52 weeks

and 10 days to win.

yeah the trophy looked nice,

but when when the pain kicks in,

everything else fades,

and all the panic starts to melt

the core of your fibre

as you start to repent,

as you start caving into the ground,

there's scream out your mouth,

and faster than a heartbeat,

you lost something you just 

found.

i know what it's like

and that's why i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

so don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself,

don't do what i did,

get back out there,

get help,

get back in.

we're tough girls,

but we ain't stupid, oh no.

so sister to sister,

let me give you the respect

you deserve,

for standing up to more than

your parents, or the whole world

that asks the same question:
"why were you even playing you silly girl?"

i know what drove you,

and i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

not to be defeated,

or consecrated,

be laughed at,

debilitated.

so you hang in there,
may your pride survive

with the humility this game

teaches us not to deny

because those 3 minutes

they missed,

was the time you owned the field,
making up for all the bruises you couldn't see

but you damn well could feel, 

the one time you proved it to yourself,

that when you made the choice to play the game,

my sister,

you made the choice to win.  
God bless you, and keep you safe.

Get well soon, Amen xx

skinny dipping in your love

there've been times
when i've imagined what it
must be like to have a lover.

when you're so deep in it,
you've memorised the way his neck looks
when the sunlight hits it.
when you know the exact location of that dimple in her cheek,
and when it'll appear, even when it's moments
before she begins to smile, or laugh,
or cry.
what about after all those years,
you still can hear the crack in the air
before his heart breaks
when you've said something horrible to him.
or the time
when you try to get out of bed
almost blowing off the covers,
that ridiculous 'O' made with your chapped thirsty lips,
'cause you're trying so hard not to wake her,
but she still shifts,
searching for the body 
that left behind the warmth
she's still lying in.

but does anyone remember the first moment?
when we go back to adam and eve.
when he doesn't need to undress you with his eyes,
because there's this one beautiful pause..
where both of you have reached the raw point,
where you haven't touched each other clothes,
but you've touched each other souls.
you've moved each others fears
so that they face each other.
your vision suddenly 
is limited only to
the space in between his eyelashes.
and your hands are glued to your sides
for at his touch,
you can almost drink that emotion.
you get so lost,
watching her transform
at your embrace,
enveloping you with those warm
chocolate brown eyes.
you
and 
her,
in the flesh,
soaked
beyond your toes.

the world carries on,
disguised by each other,
on a park bench,
cross-legged on cold stairs,
looking out across the city,
i'm skinny dipping in your love.

thank you mr skype

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
i'm not even your wife.
you're not even my husband.
but i won't get involved.

take me back, to when we would laugh as the kid
walked out the door, in search of mom
who had left to look after her ailing father.
once, twice, thrice a month.
but we're okay.
because you took care of us,
we laughed at the kid.
who thought she was so far away
that she was in australia.
his "australian mama".

fast forward it a couple of years.
the faithful husband feels like the faithful extra.
the wound deepens as the money gets stuck
like a bone in his throat,
piercing through every time he speaks.
he rasps and cuts
with words in between his teeth.

one day,
she says i don't know what to believe,
he'll sell me for money,
he'll sell me real cheap.
so back we go, scarborough fair moved from down the road,
it's a live auction,
for what cannot be bought with gold.

i remember you washing toilets,
cooking lentils over a tiny stove,
your huge frame hovering over us,
making us eat, so you could watch us grow.
polishing our shoes till our faces shone in them,
brushing my hair, so the whole world could see
my face.

then i remember you defeated. pulling that knot of silk away from your neck,
a marks and spencers man, walking in shoes,
that previously we'd have to sell our souls to afford.
you'd sit down and simultaneously, a hand would extend,
the tv zaps on,
and you move from one world onto the next.

you never picked up a brush again,
and you certainly never scared me.
you got old,
and weary. and i could not give you anymore happiness
than a stamp of that A on a piece of paper you never had.
but i had other plans.
see i wanted to see the world, beyond the two extremes i had known.
i wanted to fly away like her,
and i want to feel what some feel,
when they discover they were made for more,
than living the stationary life between the strings of newton's cradle.
i was suffocating,
under your silence,
and yet you were unable
to snap out of your trance,
between the western unions,
and the local masters,
you tried to brave the whip,
but the lashes came.
bottle to your lips,
the lashes fade.
we remained,
we remain.

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
it'd been so long since i heard you.
i don't wear shoes that need shining,
my hair is always in my eyes,
my heart is hurting.
but of course, you can speak to him.
please, please, just don't ever ask,
me that again.
my friend,
my light,
my strength.

voldemort

i burned all my diaries.

i tore up anything, 

anything that held you accountable for what you did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i close my eyes.

swaying my head from side to side,

my limbs follow,

my hips too.

all of a sudden, 

i'm rising away high above the dull grey ground.

flashback,

clock ticking, ten twenty

sweating bullets, as it's getting heavy

burden like a leash on me,

it ain't on my back,

no they took i by the neck

leading me into the dark

with only a tug here, a tug there to follow

my feet don't stop

they take i 

they take i again and again

till the blood drips 

and i cry.

then i look down.

i left that behind.

i left them all behind.

and now, i'm flying.

i'm free.

but the cold air sweeps across my naked back,

and i'm reminded how metallic that concrete pavement tasted,

the day they threw me out.

for trying to help.

for shouting for peace.

i realised then

that i was too small to understand.

i was too dispensable.

because even in the grand scheme of things,

all that mattered was the way they treated each other.

every time they argued,

that leash would tear at the back of my neck, 

making red streams of tears flow,

tears my body cried

against the confines of my mind.

my arms are stretched away from each other.

i lift my head up high, and even though,

i'm losing altitude,

i'm plummeting,

i want it to end soon.

i know i'll meet my old friends again.

but i want them to know,

i'm no longer what they knew.

i take no sides,

i have no say.

i just want them to see,

that i'll be okay.

i'll crawl on without them,

they can leave their chains on me,

but i'll move on with them.

all that matters is how they treat each other.

because my life will go on,

i'll learn to fly again.

but they'll be left there,

alone on the ground,

if they don't learn to pull each other up,

to the skies,

to our eternal home beyond the stars.

where the greyscale of our lives,

the mundane existence we have lived,

ceases to exist altogether.

the scars left by your chains will heal,

but until then, 

when will you rid your own demons?

when will you join me?

i still love you.

i can't help coming back for you.

and every time it ends, with that metallic taste of blood and concrete in my mouth.

can't we make it different this time?

try harder.

please.