ohso

the life of a flier as she lies to the higher
sense of reason as she's tired
waking up in the morning
crack of dawn she's still yawning
but she tumbles out of bed
like her life without warning
decides to expand till it fits
into all the places she's never been
all the places she wants to see
as she's chasing all her dreams
across the seas.

reeling in from the last one,
from the last night
from the last fight
that nobody sees
when he's grinding on someone else
and she thought he'd feel
something for her
like a little emotion never hurt anybody
we all have our scars
we still watch the stars
it's dark out here
and nobody will focus
on your disfigurations when they're
so enamoured by your light.

still no expectations is a tough call
living like a moment's gotta pull through
from a connection everyone thought was magical
but he doesn't seem to know
how when life knocks you down
you get up though, you get up
to see it in her eyes
that she isn't judging you
and you wake up to him
yearning to be forgiven
against the trauma of this world
and the wind couldn't get any colder
as it lashes across her shoulder
without an arm around her
without her personal sun in the winter
it's like a life she never lived
captured in a kodak moment
only good enough for firewood
something to keep her lonely days
warmer, better than nothing at all.
it's happened again.

nauseating to think that the only choices
she's got left is to live a life for herself,
a selfish girl returns selfish to the shelf.
like that's the only safe option,
what a lie in a kiss,
what a lie can be spoken in words that sounded so sweet.

invisible chains

torn between following 
calls of my faith
and the calls of what
today young girls and guys 
frolic in

trying to find a balance
a compromise
between two worlds that
were ironically created to 
share in each other 
but today there is a divide
that stretches across an ocean
right in the cavity of my chest

looking to my right my family
looks up wondering why im
not what they raised me to be
the left, to the left i see my friends
mixed bag of emotions
she's too much for us
stop over thinking
why can't she just let loose

if it's always been about truth
who am i supposed to be truthful to?
don't say to myself
because if i had that choice
i don't know if i'd feel this guilty
i haven't even done anything wrong
i haven't even given anything away

if i go to a counselor
and ask her to sort out my head
should i be asking my father in heaven instead?
or am i just tormented to live with a divide
my whole life
what if i don't agree with him
what if i have to say something i don't think he'll agree with
why am i so chained down by
a force i can't see
why am i so lost in following 
being obligated to 
listen to
something
someone
i haven't even met yet

He's done so much good for me
but why do i feel like breaking away
ruined inside
ruined outside
i'm getting ready to leg it away
hesitating, lunging within my heart
trying to reach for what i want
but seems like i'm on a leash
faith is meant to set you free
but it's relative
convenient to context
sounds good sometimes
sounds like a burden other times

so where is this common ground
can i have common ground
am i allowed to ask for protection
if i don't offer allegiance
is it fair trade if i believe in different things
and i won't agree to a contract
written in somebody else`s blood
long before i was even born

unable to let go
unwanting to be an idol of hypocrisy
and hidden choices
unable to be free
little boxes for me
a dismembered body
and yet,
look at me.
you wouldn't even know.
i look whole.

skinny dipping in your love

there've been times
when i've imagined what it
must be like to have a lover.

when you're so deep in it,
you've memorised the way his neck looks
when the sunlight hits it.
when you know the exact location of that dimple in her cheek,
and when it'll appear, even when it's moments
before she begins to smile, or laugh,
or cry.
what about after all those years,
you still can hear the crack in the air
before his heart breaks
when you've said something horrible to him.
or the time
when you try to get out of bed
almost blowing off the covers,
that ridiculous 'O' made with your chapped thirsty lips,
'cause you're trying so hard not to wake her,
but she still shifts,
searching for the body 
that left behind the warmth
she's still lying in.

but does anyone remember the first moment?
when we go back to adam and eve.
when he doesn't need to undress you with his eyes,
because there's this one beautiful pause..
where both of you have reached the raw point,
where you haven't touched each other clothes,
but you've touched each other souls.
you've moved each others fears
so that they face each other.
your vision suddenly 
is limited only to
the space in between his eyelashes.
and your hands are glued to your sides
for at his touch,
you can almost drink that emotion.
you get so lost,
watching her transform
at your embrace,
enveloping you with those warm
chocolate brown eyes.
you
and 
her,
in the flesh,
soaked
beyond your toes.

the world carries on,
disguised by each other,
on a park bench,
cross-legged on cold stairs,
looking out across the city,
i'm skinny dipping in your love.

not a hypocrite

I really don't think that cutting people out of my life when they've hurt me is the answer anymore. I've done it to two people who really deserved it...and truth to be told, it really killed.

The first time, I think I was completely justified when I say sometimes you are going to get people that really don't deserve to know you. People that are just too small in themselves. End of.

For the second time, I would say that sometimes your part in their story is over. It is now their turn, and if they don't take it, you gotta keep moving on until they realise what they lost. If they come to find you, I really don't know what I'd do personally, but everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I don't know if I'd be friends with that person again, but I think once that person understands their actions exactly and acts upon that understanding to full a promise that they will never leave you there again, perhaps, then its worth taking them back.

Recently, I've been faced with a huge dilemma. Someone very special entered my life not too long ago, and I ended up liking that person a lot. However, mistakes were made, one thing led to another, hurt bred fear, and fear bred lies and next thing, you have it, I shoved the problem in limbo because I had to sort life out on my end before I could even think about addressing such a large problem.

It's hard to find the meaning in the moments we shared. It would be wrong to dismiss all of them and say there was nothing. There was a muted friendship, because one of our hearts was silent, and it was not mine.

Not knowing someone will mean you take a chance on them, and to make up for the time that you don't spend on them, you take guesses at their nature, or how they'd react to things or situations. You'd assume their preferences according to their personalities and what your mutual friends tell you. You start loving the person everyone else sees and the person you need to see in the time you have, and not the person that they are. Sometimes, it takes time, it really does, to recognise the finer things, to see the smaller nuances, and to feel those vibes that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it takes time or experience to truly see the worth of the person...this might prevent you from hurting them. Even though hurting someone should be completely unnecessary as a means of going about things, sometimes it happens like that. You will disappoint because you can't please everyone. But that shouldn't be an excuse for taking someone's integrity, or the respect they give you for granted.

Life is not about taking. It is and always has been about giving. Do not be prepared to speak words you cannot stand by, stand up for beliefs you cannot live by and live for a life you cannot be proud of. I am not a hypocrite, and I try really hard not to be. So I'm taking a chance on you, because you will need me more than you deserve me at the moment, and you are better than the mistake you have made. But do not take my love for granted again, because being my friend is not easy. I do not need people who will leave, because I will always be there.

So be fierce in your love, or don't love at all. I'd rather have a speechless animal by my side than a human being that cannot communicate what love is or deliver it entirely.