navy boy

white hat tucked under your arm
double-breasted coat, 
golden buttons that shine
i never imagined that i'd like 
the stories you'd tell
i never imagined
you'd have something to say
beyond the frequent pauses i'd make
afraid of hogging the conversation
awkwardly sipping my americano
while you stared right into my face
blues eyes with pupils i'd hope
would dilate, so i'd knew like science told me
you were interested in actually staying.

hearing such a different song
from what i'd usually sing
you were happy to talk to me
get to know me
tell me things
remember what i liked and
be what i wanted
at a time when i realised
i could no longer blame myself
for an act i never committed.

long fingers, and your pale hands
wondering why you'd be so brave
trying to reach out to a black beauty
you'd never be able to save
and that's when it hit me
that my thoughts were rotting themselves
fermenting in their sorrow,
i had become someone else.

afraid of the scope of difference
in us that my eyes would recognise, 
they constantly fell
back down to our little table
our cozy little corner
with little pictures on the side.
regardless, the best things happen
when we forget to remind time
that we need that affection
how we're starved and we're so restless.

you're not chunky,
you're fine.
i'm not afraid to touch you.
i'm not afraid to smile
when i find something you say funny,
and when i see you blushing 
are you really this shy,
but my smile turns into questions
for answers 
i hope one day 
you won't have to hide.

This is not psychology

I think time was contracted to run faster as we got older. Or maybe we just got busier, we got heavier, we got slower.

Every day seems to move at a different pace bringing me new things every moment.

Every year seems to whitewash the last, a whole year of inescapable bubbles I found myself in, is pushed to the back of the shelf. Further and further till I have forgotten what those feelings were like.

The people that were a part of my life, the music that filled in the spaces when silence was nowhere around to quieten down the restlessness of a childhood passed from hand to hand.

I’m afraid that as we move into our futures, we lose our chances when we quarrel, when we slur against each other, when we are separated. When we are hurt, we start turning away from the world, we start turning our backs on our parents, and our siblings and we choose to forget them. We forget to take them along to share in our moments.

I know there are some things I need to experience for myself and I will, gladly. Space is something we all crave but at the same time, as easy as we demand it, that’s how quickly we want it to disappear. We try and wish it away, but we still feel cornered by what we have asked for.

I’m afraid that when I look into the future, I won’t see the people I love because I would have forgotten to love them. I would have just gotten angrier and angrier that they couldn’t understand me, how I grew and why I turned out to be the way I am. I forget that I didn’t give them the time of day, I didn’t let them care about me because when they tried, I didn’t explain. I didn’t want to take the effort with them. Instead, I wasted my time with strangers and people that took me for granted. I chose to tell them when they couldn’t care less about me or what would happen to me.

I told them anyway. Because telling them was easier, facing them felt lighter and talking to them, reaching out to them I did quicker than searching for the caring in my own blood.

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to be detached. We all have to move on. But we don’t have to forget. I want to learn from them as much as I can. I don’t want to have to regret that I wouldn’t know what they’d say or how they’d feel. They are not my enemies. These are people that had lives before I happened. These are people that made plenty of their own mistakes. These are people that tried to be right and sacrificed who they were for me, so I could grow.

Who shut up, so I could rant. Who got hurt, so I didn’t have to.

But I did, I still did. Even after you stood to try and protect me, you didn’t protect me from yourself. I didn’t think it would occur to you how important you were. But now you do, you are what I know of love, sacrifice, pain, and strength.

another day in paradise

"it's a wonderful wonderful life"
i am washed over again,

black and blue seeps away from my skin,

the nib drawing away the ink from its pot.

let the words appear on some other page,

let me read it, let me see it somewhere else.

how we survive,

"no need to run and hide"

i see it all again.

moments slip into the shadows,

i clock my time, in and out,

of this conscious living,

sustained by faith alone.

sometimes hope doesn't even cut it,

it's the dogma of duty,

it's the beckoning of the truth,

into the valley of death rode us,

the five of us.

but it's a wonderful wonderful life.

broken strings

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

unnamed

fierce flames lick under the skin. she was right. they burn,
anguish curls around my lips and my tongue and my finger and my veins.
where are you? where will you be tomorrow, and day after,

and the day after next?
when time keeps passing us by,
and you are drawn further away,
a figment of my imagination 
a scar of my past a story
i'll never tell to someone else, 
even if they asked.

time heals all pain. he said.
is he right? i'll wait to tell you. 
but right now, it is the ring of clashing notes in my ear, the constant strumming of your guitar, the beating, 
the bold beating of your heart, and the music in your life,
that i miss.

i remember the creases in your eyes, those lines of fatigue, defeat and laughter.
i remember the black and white blocks on your head,
chunks of hair missing,
other harshly brushed over to hide the marks of someone else trying to engrave their story into your skull,
to let it soak to the bone.

i remember the harshness of your hands,
their smallness,
the bitten nails,
the papery feeling of coarse skin and dry cells.
and then i remember your face. all your faces. all my fears are all part of you. the same body made of different pieces from different times.
you cannot be named.
    her eyes,
          his nose,
you.
                    all of you, scattered across the pavement.

 "all this feels strange and untrue, and i won't waste a minute without you." 

11 April 2012 17:21