CHOKE

Friendships are great great things to make, especially hard to keep, and absolutely wonderful to have.

If they go well, that is.

It feels like there's an arrow in my chest and all the words I need to say are written on a note that's been pierced through with it. It's like a 'kick-me' sign, or something you'd see...a piece of robin-hood literature on a tree somewhere. I feel looted for loss of a better word.

Looted of my ability to express myself...and currently, trying to speak to a certain someone has been very very difficult. Trusting someone again with the intimacy of your thoughts and the raw nature of your emotion and true self is NOT easy. Obviously. Then, having this weakness...your awkwardness suddenly resembles someone they know, and the only way they can console you is that, they know 'you'll come around', so automatically a bridge is built and a map is drawn, and you will follow the markers set out for you...they wait, you start loosening up, you become really good friends and everyone's happy. 

But the things is, I don't know why its so hard to speak to you. Maybe its this gigantic fear of being vulnerable, or sounding so self-absorbed. Maybe its because I'm so intrigued by you and how good of a person you are. I could never tell you this in person, but I actually really really think you are absolutely amazing. Which is the primary reason why I choke...I don't want to ruin this. You don't know what you're getting into when you ask me 'Why?'. 

Sometimes I feel I should just take a deep breath and take the plunge, and it doesn't matter what you think of me and there's nothing more I want than to not be compared to her. I am so completely done with being compared to 'her'. I'm me. And all I want, is to be honest. With myself and with those that matter.

And you know what the scary thing is? You're starting to matter.