a.

jesus christ, has it really been 10 years?
how've you been, it's been so long since
i've heard your voice anywhere else but my head
playing it now and then
brokenrecords
shards of vinyl memories
scattered across the floor
marrying the bits of that horrible vase
your wonderful mother gave us.

how's your little sister? has she grown up
with a mouth on her too, she was such a smart girl
so pretty too, how are you handling all the attention
from all the boys, remember
how we used to laugh at how
we'd have to wait baseball bat
in hand at the door
because you couldn't ever believe
she'd like my advice more
and flaunt it, baby, flaunt it.
there's no use in veiling 
such a beautiful thing, no?

did you ever become a writer?
those poems you'd read out to
me in the mornings
before i'd open my eyes
whispering the words so poignantly
that they'd tangle themselves in my hair
with the scent of you
left in me 
lasting the whole day,
a scent i'd never thought
i'd have to forget until
i'd close my eyes
and find it again.

oh is that your wife?
hi, yes i'm just an old friend
oh you're gorgeous
sorry, it's been years
i'm so overwhelmed
i'm well thank you, and
oh my, is that your..your son?
well, he's certainly got your mischevious 
head of hair,
oh he doesn't have to say hi if he doesn't
want to,
awh well, it's lovely to meet you too.
ah i'm sorry, you look in a hurry
oh wow, so it's true you did become a doctor
that must be an important function for you
i'm happy to hear that!
what are they awarding you for?
gosh, that's wonderful, and
just dropping the little one at the sitter's?

which flat is it?
i could take him,
it's no trouble
i'm looking after kids too now y'know
after...what happened...
we've always wanted children,
it's a good time to spend the evenings
i don't feel as lonely,
he was a good man
and i miss him terribly
but now
i want to just be useful
especially to people that still have the time
to spend with each other
yes, it's a delightful business,
i'm actually expecting a child right now.

312? oh would you look at that,
that's me.

have a good night, we'll be fine.

yes?
i don't know how you could call me beautiful.
i thought you grew numb to my face
a long time ago.
i'm sorry,
it's just been so long,
you look great though.
i missed seeing you smile.
but don't let me keep you,
she's waiting.

have a great night.

over my shoulder

in time, i've realised that growing up and becoming more mature are two different things.
in fact, i've seen so many childish adults i used to think this is what was attractive to people as they aged alongside each other. the ability to talk coyly or emphatically put your opinion across, always be laughing and giggly and up for anything. of course, this has nothing to do with how you've really advanced in your pursuit of happiness *winking suggestively*coupled with how wasted you got over the weekend, but check you out, still managed to make it to work monday morning cribbing about the traffic, looking like a star. 

maturity on the other hand, i used to always confuse with nonchalance. but that if anything is absolutely not what it is. to be mature is to be able to let go; dealing with the truth no matter how hard it is. like the times when a conversation is dying and you really don't have the time or need to drag it out longer, to know when a person is pensive and wishes to enjoy the presence of your company rather than the echo of your words, to know when an event occurs that it will pass and that we constantly go through this cycle of regeneration, playing back things that really don't and will never change. 

we can barely keep up with ourselves as we get lost in our feelings and thoughts. and then, like a wisp of smoke, the fourth cigarette i really didn't need to have vanishes, taking with it the fleeting exhilaration it brought  and as soon as it came, i need another tug at the fancy cinnamon stick. i ponder on times when our words flow out our throats unceasingly, never stopping, so excited to enjoy and describe the grandeur of that passing second of fame and utter bliss. and then 3 months down the line, that second is almost worth a penny, collected in a rusty old tin that gets scrimmaged in once in a while, important enough for taxi money at the least.

if i were the adult i'd want to be, and i'm not there yet, but if i were...i would look at each moment like it was going to pass. and that way i could enjoy it for the 5 seconds that it lasted. i could watch it disappear with content, knowing that if i sat pretty enough, another one would pass me by too filling in the void, soothing my anxious trembling to be occupied in mind and satisfied in soul.

honestly, these years between broad waistlines and meagre paychecks, i want to be able to really pick and choose my colours. character is built and not granted. i want to be able to grow up with elegance, and humility. maturity is something i hope God gives me the grace to pursue, because it really is an effort to be confident enough to correct ourselves, our old ways, manners of speech, fears. i realise we have always had the answers clenched up so tightly in our fists, but often lacked the courage necessary to untangle our intentions from our insecurities, to raise our hands up straight and clean, and ask the question anyway, "ma'am, will it all be over soon?"

truth is it never finishes. we either grow bitter or we get better. at ourselves, or the whole world; we all end up wanting more. how different would it be if we knew we were going to get where we needed to go anyway, we just had to work at lasting through the seconds, the minutes, the days, the weeks until finally...we can look back in months and years and know, we did the best we could with what we had.

quit the rules

quit the rules man, the don't kiss on the first date rule,
the don't call her for 4 days after she gives you her number rule
the rule that says you aren't allowed to text him first
or the one that says he should be the one asking you to dance,
but what if he touched you first,
and she loved you first,
no i'm not talking about dying for you love,
i'm talking about she loving what she sees,
and the way he loves what he feels.

i know you don't want to do anything you regret,
but those connections aren't easy to get,
so why you trying to front
so quick to fret
based on what the last guy did
or the last girl said.

if you got some beautiful goddess in front of you
and you got this classy sexy beau double-checking you
and you know it's good because you feel it's clean
they're those decent vibes that you can see and feel,
and when you move closer,
why don't you just show him what you feel,
having a conversation with your bodies,
but you're worried about what the word on the street is
about what you do, and whom with
man who cares where the street is
you're here right now
hold the defense
coz he's transporting you to another planet with this remix,
humble like a soldier
fighter with his guns wrapped around you like corona
baller yes, you can take me off the floor now
let's do it to our own beat
coz you deserve that kinda honour

see rules, just complicate things
under the disguise of protection
some of them just make you feel shit
you deciding something before it even happens
just go with flow and if you like it,
tell him, don't make that boy feel like
a fool for being a romantic
respond to each other
and you'll know when it happens
coz you weren't blindsided by some captions
looking somewhere else like you got lost in translation
no.

so tonight my ladies and gents,
if you find that strange connection,
just do your thayng,
no questions.
smile, walk up to them,
coz in more ways than one you're attractive.
so let yourself have a taste of that magic.

Unnamed

There's a line of crimson in the sky today.
It seems like the sun seems to follow its own jestream.
Moonbeam,
You are the stream, silver lining of the river it left behind on the earth.
Moonshadow, oh moon shadow
My dreams, we aspire for the future.

Let not the smoke of today cloud the young of tomorrow.
Let the pain of pushing through this day and the next mean something to the adult I'm trying to raise.
Let our struggles harden the child I'm trying to brave.

We are a delicate race, suspended on fragile strings
Like a chinese yoyo, the world spins,
Sideways,
On its own line of fate.

The city's full of smokers.
She called them 'faithful addicts'.
The tops of those skycrapers
Driving a dagger into the devil.
The demons of the hopeless,
The whores of the fruitless,
The agents of the homeless,
And the kings of the heartless.

I'm not a tool, I'm not a puppet.
I'm a creation, that's been fearfully and wonderfully made,
And my soul is eternal.
A life was promised to me on the other side,
So I'm reaching out to claim it.
I may have missed the nine o'clock bus, but there isn't any traffic.

This is a protest.
By the sinners of the cole world,
We're the brave world.
Take our heartstrings,
Weave into one string,
And fly it.
One day it'll sing out our stories as a star blazes a cross it.
Watch it light up the generations of tomorrow,
And the music left in their ears will sustain them,
We paid their debts,
So they wouldn't have to borrow.
No more begging, no more stealing.

There's a line of crimson in the sky today.