abide with me

I was 5, dressed in my dancing colours.
That day as everyday, you picked me up from pre-school.
Everybody laughed when I said,
"I forgot everything daddy, but I didn't cry."
You just hugged me tight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in lieu of today's crowd,
clinging on to dry-cleaned arms
of suits and shirts
accessorized with sturdy watches
that tick us closer to the days
where we have to live without each other.

today, i remembered the smell of your perfume
how no other man smelt the same
used to be angry at you for so long,
thought you lost your stripes
you didn't bear your fangs like the others
but now i see, you were there.
silent fighter 
fighting battles i couldn't see.
i yearn for the days
walking beside you,
up to you,
sitting by you,
laughing with you
crying for you,
the words do not amount
to how much
but here i am
rings on my fingers,
words in my mouth
years in my eyes,
missing you.

a father's love is like no other,
and as all those girls and boys wiped their eyes
derek redmond at the 1992 olympics
tore strings in our hearts
as he crumbled 250 metres before the finish line.
400 metres away the projector screens can't tell my story
the way they told his,
no one's documented this
us and our struggles
to make it by

a gradual discolouration,
as the colours fade,
the voices die
and i'm left with dreams of
bmw x5s
caricatures of our faces
rolling down out the door
our ages collide as we try and set things straight
the war out in our minds, the debate never wanes.
fighting harder to show you
the truth,
daddy i'm getting by
i'm living this life without you,
and yet if invited, you're by my side.

turned to look at mama and she was lost.
searching for her father too i guess,
imagining him,
the tree of life beareth fruit today
abide with me, abide in me
don't let me go to waste
6000 miles away i can hear you say
don't let me go to waste,
abide with me, abide in me
let me stay.

walk into my door
an old man of 64
crowding the hallway
grandchildren giving him the love he never had
he's finishing a race his father never ran.

invictus

mama i'll be on in 3 minutes,

i know i left the house slammin' the door,

but it's my big game,

and daddy, i know you can't stay mad at me

for doing something i love.

i got all ready to play, won't you get up to

look at me go,

red and black,

french braid in.

walking tall like

i made a personal deal

with God that day

to say that if i won

i wouldn't have to surrender to anyone.

see, we're a different kind of brave.

we know what's coming.

and yet we still behave

like we've got all these blessings

but we know all we got

is that jersey on our backs,

the wind at our heels,

the team,

the figures and the stats.

you've got 3 minutes

3 minutes to show us, kid, 

what you trained 52 weeks

and 10 days to win.

yeah the trophy looked nice,

but when when the pain kicks in,

everything else fades,

and all the panic starts to melt

the core of your fibre

as you start to repent,

as you start caving into the ground,

there's scream out your mouth,

and faster than a heartbeat,

you lost something you just 

found.

i know what it's like

and that's why i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

so don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself,

don't do what i did,

get back out there,

get help,

get back in.

we're tough girls,

but we ain't stupid, oh no.

so sister to sister,

let me give you the respect

you deserve,

for standing up to more than

your parents, or the whole world

that asks the same question:
"why were you even playing you silly girl?"

i know what drove you,

and i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

not to be defeated,

or consecrated,

be laughed at,

debilitated.

so you hang in there,
may your pride survive

with the humility this game

teaches us not to deny

because those 3 minutes

they missed,

was the time you owned the field,
making up for all the bruises you couldn't see

but you damn well could feel, 

the one time you proved it to yourself,

that when you made the choice to play the game,

my sister,

you made the choice to win.  
God bless you, and keep you safe.

Get well soon, Amen xx

MIDTERM SEASON

Fatigue. That's all that I seem to be emitting right now. I keep wandering around  half lost searching for a place to study or work or read or just generally do one damn thing that is productive. 

Without sports, I really feel like my life lacks rejuvenation at this point. Physical workouts are so vital to your mental health, and I guess, until and unless you are pushed to your limits, you won't be able to accept the fact that there are some key ways to get rid of all the tension, stress and anxiety, no matter how lazy you feel.

I miss tiring myself out at rugby practise or playing a game of streetball with my cousins. It's a different sort fatigue lol! One that doesn't make me feel like my life depends on it!
But oh my days, these midterms...they are something else entirely.

I'm just going to let these ones go. Honestly. Still got one more tomorrow. Geography. It's sooo not high school anymore.