navy boy

white hat tucked under your arm
double-breasted coat, 
golden buttons that shine
i never imagined that i'd like 
the stories you'd tell
i never imagined
you'd have something to say
beyond the frequent pauses i'd make
afraid of hogging the conversation
awkwardly sipping my americano
while you stared right into my face
blues eyes with pupils i'd hope
would dilate, so i'd knew like science told me
you were interested in actually staying.

hearing such a different song
from what i'd usually sing
you were happy to talk to me
get to know me
tell me things
remember what i liked and
be what i wanted
at a time when i realised
i could no longer blame myself
for an act i never committed.

long fingers, and your pale hands
wondering why you'd be so brave
trying to reach out to a black beauty
you'd never be able to save
and that's when it hit me
that my thoughts were rotting themselves
fermenting in their sorrow,
i had become someone else.

afraid of the scope of difference
in us that my eyes would recognise, 
they constantly fell
back down to our little table
our cozy little corner
with little pictures on the side.
regardless, the best things happen
when we forget to remind time
that we need that affection
how we're starved and we're so restless.

you're not chunky,
you're fine.
i'm not afraid to touch you.
i'm not afraid to smile
when i find something you say funny,
and when i see you blushing 
are you really this shy,
but my smile turns into questions
for answers 
i hope one day 
you won't have to hide.

thank you mr skype

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
i'm not even your wife.
you're not even my husband.
but i won't get involved.

take me back, to when we would laugh as the kid
walked out the door, in search of mom
who had left to look after her ailing father.
once, twice, thrice a month.
but we're okay.
because you took care of us,
we laughed at the kid.
who thought she was so far away
that she was in australia.
his "australian mama".

fast forward it a couple of years.
the faithful husband feels like the faithful extra.
the wound deepens as the money gets stuck
like a bone in his throat,
piercing through every time he speaks.
he rasps and cuts
with words in between his teeth.

one day,
she says i don't know what to believe,
he'll sell me for money,
he'll sell me real cheap.
so back we go, scarborough fair moved from down the road,
it's a live auction,
for what cannot be bought with gold.

i remember you washing toilets,
cooking lentils over a tiny stove,
your huge frame hovering over us,
making us eat, so you could watch us grow.
polishing our shoes till our faces shone in them,
brushing my hair, so the whole world could see
my face.

then i remember you defeated. pulling that knot of silk away from your neck,
a marks and spencers man, walking in shoes,
that previously we'd have to sell our souls to afford.
you'd sit down and simultaneously, a hand would extend,
the tv zaps on,
and you move from one world onto the next.

you never picked up a brush again,
and you certainly never scared me.
you got old,
and weary. and i could not give you anymore happiness
than a stamp of that A on a piece of paper you never had.
but i had other plans.
see i wanted to see the world, beyond the two extremes i had known.
i wanted to fly away like her,
and i want to feel what some feel,
when they discover they were made for more,
than living the stationary life between the strings of newton's cradle.
i was suffocating,
under your silence,
and yet you were unable
to snap out of your trance,
between the western unions,
and the local masters,
you tried to brave the whip,
but the lashes came.
bottle to your lips,
the lashes fade.
we remained,
we remain.

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
it'd been so long since i heard you.
i don't wear shoes that need shining,
my hair is always in my eyes,
my heart is hurting.
but of course, you can speak to him.
please, please, just don't ever ask,
me that again.
my friend,
my light,
my strength.

Lost in Ransom Park

I went for a walk

A walk in the woods

Dwarfed by the big brown trees

Curious and lost i stood.

I marvelled at the adventure

I wondered at their lives

Admist the decaying matter

I was experiencing life.

I whispered to them quietly

Asking them to take my pain away

And they replied swiftly saying

They could not make promises

For they only knew that after the night

Cometh the day.

They were far away from the evils of men

And I huddled in their embraces

Was just a little leaf that lost her way

But they knew as did I that like leaves on a tree, no I

I would not stay.

Following the path ahead of me

I walked through the wilderness

Just to find an end

I walked to get out.
Away from it all

But I only paved a road I could not bend.



For it was back to the crevasses of my heart that it led.

A circle in a forest, a halo settling around my head.