abide with me

I was 5, dressed in my dancing colours.
That day as everyday, you picked me up from pre-school.
Everybody laughed when I said,
"I forgot everything daddy, but I didn't cry."
You just hugged me tight.

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in lieu of today's crowd,
clinging on to dry-cleaned arms
of suits and shirts
accessorized with sturdy watches
that tick us closer to the days
where we have to live without each other.

today, i remembered the smell of your perfume
how no other man smelt the same
used to be angry at you for so long,
thought you lost your stripes
you didn't bear your fangs like the others
but now i see, you were there.
silent fighter 
fighting battles i couldn't see.
i yearn for the days
walking beside you,
up to you,
sitting by you,
laughing with you
crying for you,
the words do not amount
to how much
but here i am
rings on my fingers,
words in my mouth
years in my eyes,
missing you.

a father's love is like no other,
and as all those girls and boys wiped their eyes
derek redmond at the 1992 olympics
tore strings in our hearts
as he crumbled 250 metres before the finish line.
400 metres away the projector screens can't tell my story
the way they told his,
no one's documented this
us and our struggles
to make it by

a gradual discolouration,
as the colours fade,
the voices die
and i'm left with dreams of
bmw x5s
caricatures of our faces
rolling down out the door
our ages collide as we try and set things straight
the war out in our minds, the debate never wanes.
fighting harder to show you
the truth,
daddy i'm getting by
i'm living this life without you,
and yet if invited, you're by my side.

turned to look at mama and she was lost.
searching for her father too i guess,
imagining him,
the tree of life beareth fruit today
abide with me, abide in me
don't let me go to waste
6000 miles away i can hear you say
don't let me go to waste,
abide with me, abide in me
let me stay.

walk into my door
an old man of 64
crowding the hallway
grandchildren giving him the love he never had
he's finishing a race his father never ran.

thank you mr skype

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
i'm not even your wife.
you're not even my husband.
but i won't get involved.

take me back, to when we would laugh as the kid
walked out the door, in search of mom
who had left to look after her ailing father.
once, twice, thrice a month.
but we're okay.
because you took care of us,
we laughed at the kid.
who thought she was so far away
that she was in australia.
his "australian mama".

fast forward it a couple of years.
the faithful husband feels like the faithful extra.
the wound deepens as the money gets stuck
like a bone in his throat,
piercing through every time he speaks.
he rasps and cuts
with words in between his teeth.

one day,
she says i don't know what to believe,
he'll sell me for money,
he'll sell me real cheap.
so back we go, scarborough fair moved from down the road,
it's a live auction,
for what cannot be bought with gold.

i remember you washing toilets,
cooking lentils over a tiny stove,
your huge frame hovering over us,
making us eat, so you could watch us grow.
polishing our shoes till our faces shone in them,
brushing my hair, so the whole world could see
my face.

then i remember you defeated. pulling that knot of silk away from your neck,
a marks and spencers man, walking in shoes,
that previously we'd have to sell our souls to afford.
you'd sit down and simultaneously, a hand would extend,
the tv zaps on,
and you move from one world onto the next.

you never picked up a brush again,
and you certainly never scared me.
you got old,
and weary. and i could not give you anymore happiness
than a stamp of that A on a piece of paper you never had.
but i had other plans.
see i wanted to see the world, beyond the two extremes i had known.
i wanted to fly away like her,
and i want to feel what some feel,
when they discover they were made for more,
than living the stationary life between the strings of newton's cradle.
i was suffocating,
under your silence,
and yet you were unable
to snap out of your trance,
between the western unions,
and the local masters,
you tried to brave the whip,
but the lashes came.
bottle to your lips,
the lashes fade.
we remained,
we remain.

today you asked me whether you could speak to your son.
it'd been so long since i heard you.
i don't wear shoes that need shining,
my hair is always in my eyes,
my heart is hurting.
but of course, you can speak to him.
please, please, just don't ever ask,
me that again.
my friend,
my light,
my strength.