invisible chains

torn between following 
calls of my faith
and the calls of what
today young girls and guys 
frolic in

trying to find a balance
a compromise
between two worlds that
were ironically created to 
share in each other 
but today there is a divide
that stretches across an ocean
right in the cavity of my chest

looking to my right my family
looks up wondering why im
not what they raised me to be
the left, to the left i see my friends
mixed bag of emotions
she's too much for us
stop over thinking
why can't she just let loose

if it's always been about truth
who am i supposed to be truthful to?
don't say to myself
because if i had that choice
i don't know if i'd feel this guilty
i haven't even done anything wrong
i haven't even given anything away

if i go to a counselor
and ask her to sort out my head
should i be asking my father in heaven instead?
or am i just tormented to live with a divide
my whole life
what if i don't agree with him
what if i have to say something i don't think he'll agree with
why am i so chained down by
a force i can't see
why am i so lost in following 
being obligated to 
listen to
something
someone
i haven't even met yet

He's done so much good for me
but why do i feel like breaking away
ruined inside
ruined outside
i'm getting ready to leg it away
hesitating, lunging within my heart
trying to reach for what i want
but seems like i'm on a leash
faith is meant to set you free
but it's relative
convenient to context
sounds good sometimes
sounds like a burden other times

so where is this common ground
can i have common ground
am i allowed to ask for protection
if i don't offer allegiance
is it fair trade if i believe in different things
and i won't agree to a contract
written in somebody else`s blood
long before i was even born

unable to let go
unwanting to be an idol of hypocrisy
and hidden choices
unable to be free
little boxes for me
a dismembered body
and yet,
look at me.
you wouldn't even know.
i look whole.

abide with me

I was 5, dressed in my dancing colours.
That day as everyday, you picked me up from pre-school.
Everybody laughed when I said,
"I forgot everything daddy, but I didn't cry."
You just hugged me tight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in lieu of today's crowd,
clinging on to dry-cleaned arms
of suits and shirts
accessorized with sturdy watches
that tick us closer to the days
where we have to live without each other.

today, i remembered the smell of your perfume
how no other man smelt the same
used to be angry at you for so long,
thought you lost your stripes
you didn't bear your fangs like the others
but now i see, you were there.
silent fighter 
fighting battles i couldn't see.
i yearn for the days
walking beside you,
up to you,
sitting by you,
laughing with you
crying for you,
the words do not amount
to how much
but here i am
rings on my fingers,
words in my mouth
years in my eyes,
missing you.

a father's love is like no other,
and as all those girls and boys wiped their eyes
derek redmond at the 1992 olympics
tore strings in our hearts
as he crumbled 250 metres before the finish line.
400 metres away the projector screens can't tell my story
the way they told his,
no one's documented this
us and our struggles
to make it by

a gradual discolouration,
as the colours fade,
the voices die
and i'm left with dreams of
bmw x5s
caricatures of our faces
rolling down out the door
our ages collide as we try and set things straight
the war out in our minds, the debate never wanes.
fighting harder to show you
the truth,
daddy i'm getting by
i'm living this life without you,
and yet if invited, you're by my side.

turned to look at mama and she was lost.
searching for her father too i guess,
imagining him,
the tree of life beareth fruit today
abide with me, abide in me
don't let me go to waste
6000 miles away i can hear you say
don't let me go to waste,
abide with me, abide in me
let me stay.

walk into my door
an old man of 64
crowding the hallway
grandchildren giving him the love he never had
he's finishing a race his father never ran.

a letter to pressure

let me remind you of something as we speak, tentatively, cautiously, focusing so hard on being politically correct, politely forgetting the tension as we speak our tenses perfectly trying to breathe softly as our hearts beat furiously against a box we are dragged up to fit in, every day they try and every day they fail. we come to the door and we stop at the steps, we see the crimson across the landing and we must confess, we are not fools, we are not entitled to hear anymore of this.

keep quiet, because we know what we have to do. we have to figure it out as we go along, so don't crucify us for making mistakes, don't hurry us so you can hurry us into the life you want to see us live. don't try and sanctify a sinner's soul when you're a born sinner yourself, when you're a thief, robbing yourself of the freedom that He meant to give us. Not the rules and the limits you set to trap us, no.

we stand in defiance, we stand because we reach up to laugh in your face, we choose to hold it together, even when it's falling apart, we will choose when to let go, when we're ready enough. we're not polishing your shoes so don't tell us what to do. we're young people with purposes that we will find in time, so right now, we will focus on thinking with light, brightening our minds, with music, art, science and culture, intelligence we create, mysteries we debate, evil we subjugate. we promise to stay awake to enjoy our young lives so even when you try and find us again, try and prey on us in the disguise of friends, lovers, opportunities cloaked in venom, know that we are wary of your tricks, we are not victims, we diminished our false pride in the thick hide society made us grow, against the poisoned whips that wrap themselves around our throats. you'd love to watch as we bled, drops of dignity on the steps, washing away the integrity in our defense.

consuming us you think is the answer. well, we welcome the challenge and we see no comparison, no sense in besting each other for the fleeting chance to win. what? our ends are all the same so we seek better things, we will define what success truly is as we fight for better days, moments of self-praise not afraid to face ourselves in our mirrors, a subtle embrace as i say keep your head up bright eyes, because there's a reason why life takes a lifetime to create and a moment to destroy, listen to me for people die unsatisfied, paralyzed by their own devices, unbaptized in the blessings of this life. if you tell me it's a meaningless existence, then i choose to reply: the beautiful sad things i fill my life with are the reasons i survive, they give me reasons, i've realised not to give up, or to give in to these demons i despise.

watch us blaze up the sky. 

invictus

mama i'll be on in 3 minutes,

i know i left the house slammin' the door,

but it's my big game,

and daddy, i know you can't stay mad at me

for doing something i love.

i got all ready to play, won't you get up to

look at me go,

red and black,

french braid in.

walking tall like

i made a personal deal

with God that day

to say that if i won

i wouldn't have to surrender to anyone.

see, we're a different kind of brave.

we know what's coming.

and yet we still behave

like we've got all these blessings

but we know all we got

is that jersey on our backs,

the wind at our heels,

the team,

the figures and the stats.

you've got 3 minutes

3 minutes to show us, kid, 

what you trained 52 weeks

and 10 days to win.

yeah the trophy looked nice,

but when when the pain kicks in,

everything else fades,

and all the panic starts to melt

the core of your fibre

as you start to repent,

as you start caving into the ground,

there's scream out your mouth,

and faster than a heartbeat,

you lost something you just 

found.

i know what it's like

and that's why i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

so don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself,

don't do what i did,

get back out there,

get help,

get back in.

we're tough girls,

but we ain't stupid, oh no.

so sister to sister,

let me give you the respect

you deserve,

for standing up to more than

your parents, or the whole world

that asks the same question:
"why were you even playing you silly girl?"

i know what drove you,

and i'm telling you this,

when we make the choice to play

we play to win.

not to be defeated,

or consecrated,

be laughed at,

debilitated.

so you hang in there,
may your pride survive

with the humility this game

teaches us not to deny

because those 3 minutes

they missed,

was the time you owned the field,
making up for all the bruises you couldn't see

but you damn well could feel, 

the one time you proved it to yourself,

that when you made the choice to play the game,

my sister,

you made the choice to win.  
God bless you, and keep you safe.

Get well soon, Amen xx

voldemort

i burned all my diaries.

i tore up anything, 

anything that held you accountable for what you did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i close my eyes.

swaying my head from side to side,

my limbs follow,

my hips too.

all of a sudden, 

i'm rising away high above the dull grey ground.

flashback,

clock ticking, ten twenty

sweating bullets, as it's getting heavy

burden like a leash on me,

it ain't on my back,

no they took i by the neck

leading me into the dark

with only a tug here, a tug there to follow

my feet don't stop

they take i 

they take i again and again

till the blood drips 

and i cry.

then i look down.

i left that behind.

i left them all behind.

and now, i'm flying.

i'm free.

but the cold air sweeps across my naked back,

and i'm reminded how metallic that concrete pavement tasted,

the day they threw me out.

for trying to help.

for shouting for peace.

i realised then

that i was too small to understand.

i was too dispensable.

because even in the grand scheme of things,

all that mattered was the way they treated each other.

every time they argued,

that leash would tear at the back of my neck, 

making red streams of tears flow,

tears my body cried

against the confines of my mind.

my arms are stretched away from each other.

i lift my head up high, and even though,

i'm losing altitude,

i'm plummeting,

i want it to end soon.

i know i'll meet my old friends again.

but i want them to know,

i'm no longer what they knew.

i take no sides,

i have no say.

i just want them to see,

that i'll be okay.

i'll crawl on without them,

they can leave their chains on me,

but i'll move on with them.

all that matters is how they treat each other.

because my life will go on,

i'll learn to fly again.

but they'll be left there,

alone on the ground,

if they don't learn to pull each other up,

to the skies,

to our eternal home beyond the stars.

where the greyscale of our lives,

the mundane existence we have lived,

ceases to exist altogether.

the scars left by your chains will heal,

but until then, 

when will you rid your own demons?

when will you join me?

i still love you.

i can't help coming back for you.

and every time it ends, with that metallic taste of blood and concrete in my mouth.

can't we make it different this time?

try harder.

please.

Keep faith

Where do we go?

When we know the gates of heaven

are closed.

And the lights that shine on Broadway are far away,

and our hopes and dreams,

a feather to blow,

in the wind.

What do we see?

When we look into the faces of our children,

Do we promise them of life faithfully?

Or do we smile at them and tell them,

We will go.

And the gates of heaven'll be

standing ajar.

And the lights that shine the world, they're not far.

And our hopes and dreams

will always set us free.

Can we feel the wind

on our faces as we

fly across the seas?

Do we remember old and new

and their to-be's?

Do we sigh and smile

as nostalgia breaks

the evening tide?

Where do we go?

When we find the world's

a dark and scary place?

When the life that brought the August springs are far away.

And the petrified trees whisper to us,

as we walk.

What do we fear?

Have our friends just left us hanging on the shores?

And the bells that set the doves free, they're no more.

When family completely turns away?

Seems like yesterday.

But you should know

that there is hope

because there's tomorrow yet again.

And through death,

another life enters in.

And there's love for each and every turn away.

Just keep faith . . . keep faith

sleep well

Listen.

You’re not wrong for enjoying times with guys. Not all of them are going to last more than memories of a good night. Not all of them will ask for your number. Not all of them will talk to you the morning after. And even if they still do all these things, not all of them will keep talking to you, unless fate smiles upon you and you meet again.

You see you’re young, and being young means having a good time without any attachments, and yet having a good time without being reckless. It means exploring your tastes, diving in deeper into conversations, satire and minds you have never seen before, opening yourself up to a myriad of tumultuous experiences that should shake you up from rock bottom, or leave you where it found you.

Don’t try to hold on so tightly to anything. Just be easy and let it go. Enjoy it for what it is and let it go. Do your own thing, explore in your own way. Don’t be limited in your thought and yet, do not be too generous with it.

Having a boyfriend is okay. Dating is okay. Having a casual fling is okay. As long as your dignity, priorities and self-interests are not compromised, you should have a good time. You should be reserved enough to really highlight the moments when you let your hair down. Be economic with your speech, think before you say it and then when you do, speak to make impressions. When you dance, dance wholeheartedly, warm up a bit, and then really push at the boundaries, don’t be afraid to go for it. It’s a dance, it’s making up for what you can’t say in words, or do with actions.

Don’t feel like you’re constrained. Be open. Be mature. Be bold. Your confidence is beautiful and so are you. You’re only as good as you think you are. You deserve to feel good, as long as you work for it. And you are working for it, so don’t be afraid to be assertive, flirt a little and have some fun.

You’re young. You’re young. You’re young.

burning roses

memories slowly drifting towards me
and in the light,
it seems like all these scars come to life.

let's break all the mirrors in this house,
let's send the shards flying round,
because every minute i seem to stay,
i seem to die.

oh, let the walls burn right down
and let the curtains veil
this little girl's fate.

honey, you're growing up,
and it isn't a fairytale.
but it's okay because we'll find a way someday.

honey, it's gonna be tough,
and you're gonna be dismayed,
but He never gave you more than you could handle.

just light a candle,
and pray.
light a candle,
and pray.

that tomorrow, the cigarettes and wine,
they won't be the lie that separates your life and mine.
and all the money in the world,
can't bring you closer,
you have to will your heart
and fight like you're supposed to.

that's the way it is, honey.
that's just the way it is.