gravity

I leave my life to You, take it for Your's is the only promise has never let me down  -

What do you do when your hands fall to your sides and it feels like they're useless? That they aren't going to listen to you and your romping mind anymore. When your body refuses to move, when it needs to be coaxed and pleaded to, to just get you out of bed.

I've been living in sweet denial. In blissful ignorance. 'Gravity, stay the hell away from me'.

You know what I see infront of me? I see boxes. I see an empty letter pad and a bunch of envelopes. I see memories all across the wall, in the form of pictures, words, that damn corner that never could stay clean. I sit in the bed you tried to love me in. I see the lamp that I never switch off, my fear of seeing faces in the dark. I see through my cupboard doors. I see past all the clothes, I see my uncle's old yellow construction helmet. I wonder why we kept that all these years...I remember trying to put it on as a kid, never fit my head.

In the race to be different, to be unique, I forgot the primal thing about being human. We all share the same emotions at some point in our lives. I try everyday to be special, to not make the same mistakes as everyone else. I try to be the girl that everyone can trust and no one can take for granted. But there's this funny thing called irony, and it leaves you disgusted with yourself. I fail to get the words out of my mouth. But I know what I want to say.

I understand now. I see you. I see the big picture. I have to give back those old school books, I have to pack away those clothes, take the pictures, the tickets, the birthday cards, the timetables, the junk off my wall. I have leave this sanctuary bare, the way I entered it. I have to learn how to say goodbye again. Live by myself again.

Starting life by myself, accepting the fact that I won't always be able to see everyone I want to...I won't always be able to say everything. I realised not everything is meant to be said at once, some words carry more weight than others and some words need to be carried longer than others. You can't trust everyone all at the same time, as much as you'd like to.

I'm going to miss my life here so much. I'm going to miss all the people I got used to. I'm praying I can live as fierce as I want to. I hope I find what I what I'm looking for, I hope I can make wherever I'm going to a home. I want to make it big. I hope I always remember those that brought me to this part of my journey. Thank you God, for giving me life, and letting me live so far. Thank You especially for all those that love me, when times get hard, they never stop believing. I pray others will know the happiness I feel when I look back at my life in Sharjah. Nothing's ever going to change that. I have grown, and I will keep growing. 

returning

Aboriginal Paintings - The Boomerang Effect

Hello again :)

It's been a while since I lasted blogged. Things aren't dying down as yet. In fact if anything, I'm getting better at choosing the things I need to ignore than actually learning how to deal with them.

Everything has an expiry date for me now. Every task I need to do. That's the only thing that's keeping me going. My to-do lists are getting longer and it seems like stuff on there reincarnates itself and I'm left with a never-ending stream of new things that just pop up.

But there's nothing like the satisfaction of crossing finished tasks out. So far, I've completed 2/3 exams, confronted my biggest worry twice, confronted the thing that hurts me most over 6 times, helped a friend realise and confront something important and tried to get all my university stuff sorted.

I've got one more exam to go and that's on Wednesday. After that, got loads of uni stuff to sort out, got loads of events coming up, in between all of that, I gotta make sure I'm there to help out at home. My gramma's been looking after us now that my mom's gone but I've got the feeling that I'm leaving her alone too much, so I need to make sure that I don't make her feel alone.

I've been very conflicted recently. I've realised that I want to be impressed by my relationships. I don't want to do all the work. I don't want to always be the one that gets hurt and burdened and disadvantaged the most in the end. It doesn't matter how quickly I can recover or whether I can at all. How you go out is as important as how long you fight for. I need to keep my dignity intact and invest my energy in people that actually try and make a difference to my life.It's really not worth getting hurt over and over again because you've been let down by people.

Take as much time as you can/need to get to know them. Know their personalities, observe them, notice all the little things. Spend time and laughter and good times with them. Be there for them in their bad times. Just take it slow. Be wiser than you were yesterday because a lot depends on you. You have so much more to live for, so many more people you're going to meet and experience. Always keep your mind open and don't keep anything in your heart that you know you will regret.

At the same time, learn how to excercise restraint. Enjoy being surprised by people and their gestures towards you. Don't panic about spaces. Maybe they're meant to be there, or maybe someone else will fill them up. You can't always fix everything and especially not all by yourself. Give someone else a chance to make you feel good. It's not selfishness, it's not indulgent, it's accepting that you have a right to feel the way you treat people. So make sure, you treat people right and fairly.

Gotta go back to revising English Lit., write soon, and have a good night (or day) everyone.

FightersAlwaysxx

Cleansing

Sunset @ Morjim Beach, Goa

I should be studying my ass off. (And I am, just not right now)

Conflicted.
Tracks playing in my mind.
Clear this shizz up.
Just go write endlessly.

Walk along the water
and never be able to stop the waves from touching your feet.

Disappointed?
Cry it out in the sea.

Angry?
Scream, running in.

Hurt?
Let the water wash your wounds.

Who cares if they think you're crazy?
You're just trying to be free.

not a hypocrite

I really don't think that cutting people out of my life when they've hurt me is the answer anymore. I've done it to two people who really deserved it...and truth to be told, it really killed.

The first time, I think I was completely justified when I say sometimes you are going to get people that really don't deserve to know you. People that are just too small in themselves. End of.

For the second time, I would say that sometimes your part in their story is over. It is now their turn, and if they don't take it, you gotta keep moving on until they realise what they lost. If they come to find you, I really don't know what I'd do personally, but everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I don't know if I'd be friends with that person again, but I think once that person understands their actions exactly and acts upon that understanding to full a promise that they will never leave you there again, perhaps, then its worth taking them back.

Recently, I've been faced with a huge dilemma. Someone very special entered my life not too long ago, and I ended up liking that person a lot. However, mistakes were made, one thing led to another, hurt bred fear, and fear bred lies and next thing, you have it, I shoved the problem in limbo because I had to sort life out on my end before I could even think about addressing such a large problem.

It's hard to find the meaning in the moments we shared. It would be wrong to dismiss all of them and say there was nothing. There was a muted friendship, because one of our hearts was silent, and it was not mine.

Not knowing someone will mean you take a chance on them, and to make up for the time that you don't spend on them, you take guesses at their nature, or how they'd react to things or situations. You'd assume their preferences according to their personalities and what your mutual friends tell you. You start loving the person everyone else sees and the person you need to see in the time you have, and not the person that they are. Sometimes, it takes time, it really does, to recognise the finer things, to see the smaller nuances, and to feel those vibes that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it takes time or experience to truly see the worth of the person...this might prevent you from hurting them. Even though hurting someone should be completely unnecessary as a means of going about things, sometimes it happens like that. You will disappoint because you can't please everyone. But that shouldn't be an excuse for taking someone's integrity, or the respect they give you for granted.

Life is not about taking. It is and always has been about giving. Do not be prepared to speak words you cannot stand by, stand up for beliefs you cannot live by and live for a life you cannot be proud of. I am not a hypocrite, and I try really hard not to be. So I'm taking a chance on you, because you will need me more than you deserve me at the moment, and you are better than the mistake you have made. But do not take my love for granted again, because being my friend is not easy. I do not need people who will leave, because I will always be there.

So be fierce in your love, or don't love at all. I'd rather have a speechless animal by my side than a human being that cannot communicate what love is or deliver it entirely.