another day in paradise

"it's a wonderful wonderful life"
i am washed over again,

black and blue seeps away from my skin,

the nib drawing away the ink from its pot.

let the words appear on some other page,

let me read it, let me see it somewhere else.

how we survive,

"no need to run and hide"

i see it all again.

moments slip into the shadows,

i clock my time, in and out,

of this conscious living,

sustained by faith alone.

sometimes hope doesn't even cut it,

it's the dogma of duty,

it's the beckoning of the truth,

into the valley of death rode us,

the five of us.

but it's a wonderful wonderful life.

burning roses

memories slowly drifting towards me
and in the light,
it seems like all these scars come to life.

let's break all the mirrors in this house,
let's send the shards flying round,
because every minute i seem to stay,
i seem to die.

oh, let the walls burn right down
and let the curtains veil
this little girl's fate.

honey, you're growing up,
and it isn't a fairytale.
but it's okay because we'll find a way someday.

honey, it's gonna be tough,
and you're gonna be dismayed,
but He never gave you more than you could handle.

just light a candle,
and pray.
light a candle,
and pray.

that tomorrow, the cigarettes and wine,
they won't be the lie that separates your life and mine.
and all the money in the world,
can't bring you closer,
you have to will your heart
and fight like you're supposed to.

that's the way it is, honey.
that's just the way it is.

broken strings

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

unnamed

We seem to be living the blur yet again. We seem to be walking the same damn line. Take me back 10 years. Take me back to the summer where we house hunted, where we ran naked through our pockets in search of pennies to pay for a home.

Shelter is not just an aluminium sheet anymore, the rain seeps in, orders. The mattress you sleep on today has a story, it was stolen. Hungry hands grabbed it away, a bachelor turned it into a wedding bed, and then threw it away when a baby was born. When your baby was born, 18 years ago, was your home small? Or was it large, was it too big to hold? The feeling of having to be a home for another being? Another life you held in the palm of your hand, you would be the hand that fed it, you would be the brush that painted the smile on its face, you would take it to school and help it live.

You would show it the world, a world that was too ugly to be rolled into a diploma, you showed her the chasm between theory and practise. You broke the sound barriers when you educated her with those words.

When i write, i talk at a thousand people at the same time, to a hundred people in a single glance and to a handpicked few in a single breath. Today, its 18 years after. And the both of you are here, another came in between to define the prism of light growing in her womb. And it shone brighter and brighter, but she grew weaker and weaker, and no matter how hard i try and save the hands that taught me how to live for the one that still has to live, age has caught up with you. and although the wise one tells me to be brave about death, how can i when your story has yet to be told? I stay away from it all, I’m sheltered by the walls that enclose me, the wings cover me, and so many others that try escape the shrewd nature of the world that lies beyond the walls of barbed wire, beyond the grizzly screens, and further beyond the pictures in the paper, black and white and red all over.

Still in the midst of all this instability, in the heart of this wall of text, there is a beating fighting young poignant heart. There is a point. Sailing across the gulf that separates us, you come to build me a home. I have a few more years left in me, i still have them. All i can say is I can still step into my Father’s House, I can still look up and praise, and I will still look up with no shame until there is nothing to look up to anymore. For that is how I came into this world, with my head thrown back, and my eyes shut, and my hair covering my ears.

Not the pretty way words are supposed to look on a page, no the beauty you bring is when the intensity of your eyes burns life into every syllable of this prose. When finally you swallow your fears and your pride and every single piece of your mortality that remains and you pause. Your stomach churns, because the hardest thing to admit is that you have reached the end of the page. So until then, i’ll put a stopgap in the inflated importance my generation gives to procrastination, and i will shamelessly waste away my days with you, until all we know is taken from us again, and we will be hurt.

And still from the ashes we shall rise.



Golden children of the sky, you golden children of the sky.

Unnamed

There's a line of crimson in the sky today.
It seems like the sun seems to follow its own jestream.
Moonbeam,
You are the stream, silver lining of the river it left behind on the earth.
Moonshadow, oh moon shadow
My dreams, we aspire for the future.

Let not the smoke of today cloud the young of tomorrow.
Let the pain of pushing through this day and the next mean something to the adult I'm trying to raise.
Let our struggles harden the child I'm trying to brave.

We are a delicate race, suspended on fragile strings
Like a chinese yoyo, the world spins,
Sideways,
On its own line of fate.

The city's full of smokers.
She called them 'faithful addicts'.
The tops of those skycrapers
Driving a dagger into the devil.
The demons of the hopeless,
The whores of the fruitless,
The agents of the homeless,
And the kings of the heartless.

I'm not a tool, I'm not a puppet.
I'm a creation, that's been fearfully and wonderfully made,
And my soul is eternal.
A life was promised to me on the other side,
So I'm reaching out to claim it.
I may have missed the nine o'clock bus, but there isn't any traffic.

This is a protest.
By the sinners of the cole world,
We're the brave world.
Take our heartstrings,
Weave into one string,
And fly it.
One day it'll sing out our stories as a star blazes a cross it.
Watch it light up the generations of tomorrow,
And the music left in their ears will sustain them,
We paid their debts,
So they wouldn't have to borrow.
No more begging, no more stealing.

There's a line of crimson in the sky today.

impossible

'i was careless, i forgot'

unnamed

this feeling is inescapable.
its in the tips of my fingers,
its in the roots of my hair.
it burns in the palms of my hands,

its everywhere i go,
and nowhere i can't see.

its in the way i walk,
like ice cracking before an avalanche,
or the tingling feeling before the flame hits,
it poisons every string and fibre of my heart
and crushes against the soles of my feet.

its the blackest river that creeps into a virgin stream.
the only sedative to chain the only dream.
its like cocaine.
taking over my blood.
it steals my senses.
no, it bought them over.

i gave in.
with all my knowledge, and my values.
i gave in.
with all my faith, and my religion.
i gave in.
with all my complaints, all my fears and worries.

even if the universe blanketed me in all the stars,
even if the galaxies gave me their immortal colours,
even if the sun burned me down to the shred of an atom.

you'd still see it.
you'd still be able to see the words painted in red, across my face.
i'm on the other side of the line now.

you were never a victim. 
you have fallen.
climb from this bottomless pit.

its called regret.

drunk

it felt like flying
gliding, sailing,
fleeting away from you.

the other half of me.
the right half.

you saw through me,

this incongruous feeling.

this breach of a parameter.

i crossed the line.

i turned off the lights.
and danced in those laserbeams.

invincible rebel.
come to me.
feed on your weaknesses.
feel free to be anything but 'me'.

i thought i wouldn't be able to remember. but i do. 
i remember everything.
screaming out for you.

inside. all on the inside.
and then the curtains open, 
and there you are.
standing centre stage,
spotless.

and then the mask 
falls off, and they all saw you.
my demon.

the other half.
the wrong half.

carousels

'carousel at Hyde Park'

within a matter of seconds,
the world stops blurring infront of my eyes
the pixels stop morphing
and put down their disguise.

i am called to answer,
in a court of law.
order, They say, is up to me
even if it seemed to grow further and further.

They said,
you. grab it back,
when we pull it away.
you. seize the chance,
when you are given another day.

to live.
pour vivre,
il y a une vie, seulement.

et, je ne suis rien une petite fille, d'accord?
i have a working mind,
and a beating heart.
a will to learn
my strength bestowed by God,
a marvelous start. a marvelous start.

take the world as it is,
that flaming orb in your palm.
let no jester's rhyme turn your head
and no man make you lose your charm.

"take what you can, give nothing back"
hit the road, jack.

you don't live here no more.

"this world is not my home"

here i stand,

'free fall'

the rock she built her dreams on
the child he hoped to see aspire
to fight the against the veil
that was drawn over her eyes
to hide her passion, her thirst for justice.

the child grows everyday
and everyday it thirsts to know
which way is right to know which way to go.
there isn't a corner left to hide in,
as time starts to fly in,
all the alarms start ringing,
its the airpatrol,
black the windows out,
snuff the candles,
go to sleep cold and shivering.
unable to decide which breath to take and when.

what do you do with the power of awareness?
it is not to recognise the trouble you're in,
it is not enough to admit your feelings.
"It is not because men's desires are strong
that they act ill; it is because their consciences are weak."

will i come to you even with the storm raging on?
will i walk blindly towards you over the water?
i feel like i'm drowning already,
irony,
the boat that I want to do the rescue?
I got the colour painted, the size mapped out,
I got the dimensions and the crew.

yet, here i stand,
on the bottom of the sea floor.
i'm staring up and i don't know whether i'm supposed to fight the depths to surface
or whether i'm just down here, chain and ball,

mama, am i supposed to escape this?
or am i supposed to push through?
i keep making these mistakes,
its the only way i've ever learned.

when everything is changing,
what do i hold onto?


i'm trying to figure it out.

the special ones

in the middle of all the action,

the lights go off,

and they flicker.

suddenly everything becomes a scramble of limbs,

a snapshot,

a glimpse,

gone.

those are like the memories with you.

with all of you.

digging deeper into the closets of the incubus,

i find that all that i clothed myself with were

the shadows of a life worth living.

the reflections in the mirror

should be worth seeing face to face.

yet, i'm still so confused when it comes to you.

to all of you.

attraction, it's predatory on the rational values of my soul,

it encroaches on the private borders of my mind,

it brings me back to edge,

it tapdances on those lines,

drawn out in chalk,

they're fading.

i'm trying not to seem shifting.

where's the concrete to lay down the slab

on my chest, on my feet, on my hands,

on my heart.

letting the city swallow me.

keeping myself from the everchanging,

still, my mind runs too fast from the cage

it knows too well...

there isn't any life after this hell.

"hell is a state of being" and being in love is "glamourous hell".

let me know when you're being genuine.

when you're really in love.

because all of them felt the same,

so either i'm fickle, or i'm really good at lying.

come on eileen

I remember watching my two bestfriends dance like crazy to this song. It was my 17th birthday, everyone else had left. We were all dancing, I can remember everything...down to what we were wearing and which lights were on in the house. They were in a world of their own when that song came on. I mean they absolutely loved it. Angharad's weird taste in this music just got me shaking my head, it was expected...but then Steph, who's supposed to have the best music taste among all of us, started going mental with Ango on this song. I was just like, "God, what on earth have you done with my bestfriends??"
I never thought this song was anything special. Like ever.

Then...I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It is a brilliant movie about overcoming your demons, creating new ones, making mistakes, feeling like you were one, and then just, coming out of it all with some sort of purpose at the end of the day...some sort of feeling like life goes on, and those that matter will find you, will come to wherever you are, just to be with you- to click 'replay', and get that old cassette player going again.

Watching Sam, Charlie and Patrick dance to that song, I could relate so much to him, to Charlie...waiting on the sidelines, only to get pulled in by two eager sets of arms, only to be pushed into the chasm between surviving and living. Remember what it felt like taking that breath after being underwater so long? Or what it was to reach the end of the line after a race? Maybe what it was like to reach home and freefall in your bed, dead tired? 

My friends relieved me of my exhaustion. Life isn't about being hyper. Yet, it's still about having the last bit of energy, that'll make you go the mile, even if you're tired. Like Charlie, I was starting to get bad again. There are different kinds of 'bad'. For me, it wasn't the drugs, it wasn't the alcohol, it was forgetting that people do move on if they let themselves. It has been very hard for me, just because I forget sometimes, that it is possible. I need reasons, to go back to being 'bad'. Thing is, if you search for reasons, you'll find them...anything from abuse and poverty to the pressures of being in the limelight and monied. But the point is to look beyond it all, to just freakin' break loose, and let go to give yourself a chance. 

I found that I love starting again. Wipe my slate clean, go on. I'll still be able to make it. I'll still be able to leave my mark. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I'm trying and although, a lot of things from my past seem to crop up now, I will make sure I will deal with them gracefully. There's nothing else to do if I want to be someone that believes in fairness and truth. 

I realised, after watching that movie...that if I ever got the chance again, things would be different.

It was the 'four of us' that day, posing for that picture, 'la quartet', the wolfpack, lol all our lame ass names. It was. The only thing that hasn't changed is that it is still and will always be, Ango's and Sefa's song. I'd give anything to watch them dance to it again, and you know what? Maybe the next time...I'll join in for sure. 

'for you that love to dance <3 '

MIDTERM SEASON

Fatigue. That's all that I seem to be emitting right now. I keep wandering around  half lost searching for a place to study or work or read or just generally do one damn thing that is productive. 

Without sports, I really feel like my life lacks rejuvenation at this point. Physical workouts are so vital to your mental health, and I guess, until and unless you are pushed to your limits, you won't be able to accept the fact that there are some key ways to get rid of all the tension, stress and anxiety, no matter how lazy you feel.

I miss tiring myself out at rugby practise or playing a game of streetball with my cousins. It's a different sort fatigue lol! One that doesn't make me feel like my life depends on it!
But oh my days, these midterms...they are something else entirely.

I'm just going to let these ones go. Honestly. Still got one more tomorrow. Geography. It's sooo not high school anymore. 

CHOKE

Friendships are great great things to make, especially hard to keep, and absolutely wonderful to have.

If they go well, that is.

It feels like there's an arrow in my chest and all the words I need to say are written on a note that's been pierced through with it. It's like a 'kick-me' sign, or something you'd see...a piece of robin-hood literature on a tree somewhere. I feel looted for loss of a better word.

Looted of my ability to express myself...and currently, trying to speak to a certain someone has been very very difficult. Trusting someone again with the intimacy of your thoughts and the raw nature of your emotion and true self is NOT easy. Obviously. Then, having this weakness...your awkwardness suddenly resembles someone they know, and the only way they can console you is that, they know 'you'll come around', so automatically a bridge is built and a map is drawn, and you will follow the markers set out for you...they wait, you start loosening up, you become really good friends and everyone's happy. 

But the things is, I don't know why its so hard to speak to you. Maybe its this gigantic fear of being vulnerable, or sounding so self-absorbed. Maybe its because I'm so intrigued by you and how good of a person you are. I could never tell you this in person, but I actually really really think you are absolutely amazing. Which is the primary reason why I choke...I don't want to ruin this. You don't know what you're getting into when you ask me 'Why?'. 

Sometimes I feel I should just take a deep breath and take the plunge, and it doesn't matter what you think of me and there's nothing more I want than to not be compared to her. I am so completely done with being compared to 'her'. I'm me. And all I want, is to be honest. With myself and with those that matter.

And you know what the scary thing is? You're starting to matter.

muskoca

"you never step in the same river twice"

I remember I used to be able to guestimate the time of the present day, it was a game for children in our school since watches were something only the rich kids could afford. The fancy golden brass strap with those little hands ticking away. Today, miles and miles away from home, it seems that not only do the 's's become 'z's, but the leaves of the trees in Muskoca are changing to their mortal hues...and yet, I remain unchanged. Stagnant. The hands of a watch that doesn't work anymore.

The lake stretches out infront of me. So much water, a sea of submission, the opportunity for immersion, or then there's me, the last grain of salt... left apart to dissolve in a flurry of emotionally turbulent times.

Today, my mind has the advantage of generating thoughts my conscience can recognise, so much so that it cannot keep up with them. I think louder than I speak now. However, there is no excuse for ignorance, and no fatality worse than it. So I'm gonna try and snap out of it, this isn't silence, this isn't wisdom, this is numbness.

This rudimentary page will serve as another one of my many beginnings. Only today, the awareness with which I have to capture my thoughts add the slow effortless punch to the serious cocktail of practicality and sentimentality, of letting go to hold on, of coming age to appreciate the days of innocence passing...all, so that one day, one that lives for the joy of living in itself can enjoy the sharpness with which opportunity kick-starts the future. 

marilyn monroe

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't." - Marilyn Monroe


These words haunted me so much. They made that little part of you that still lived in my heart come alive again. You awoke, and you agreed. And inside, the two roses that you gave me started crumpling from the inside with the power of that truth. All I heard of you were little stories of two months in Portugal, or the name of that stranger that was a friend, a sister, blowin' in the wind.

I've come so far. Yet, even in Toronto, I still see your face. Not the black angry eyes, or that cold blunt burning face. I still see your inquisitive eyes, that twitch you'd make with the corners of your lips when you weren't sure about something and you didn't quite know how to express the fact that it wasn't what you wanted either.

I wish you had spoken. I wish you argued with them. I wish you understood that at the end of the day, all that I wanted, was to be loved. By you.


You were my Marilyn Monroe. 

gravity

I leave my life to You, take it for Your's is the only promise has never let me down  -

What do you do when your hands fall to your sides and it feels like they're useless? That they aren't going to listen to you and your romping mind anymore. When your body refuses to move, when it needs to be coaxed and pleaded to, to just get you out of bed.

I've been living in sweet denial. In blissful ignorance. 'Gravity, stay the hell away from me'.

You know what I see infront of me? I see boxes. I see an empty letter pad and a bunch of envelopes. I see memories all across the wall, in the form of pictures, words, that damn corner that never could stay clean. I sit in the bed you tried to love me in. I see the lamp that I never switch off, my fear of seeing faces in the dark. I see through my cupboard doors. I see past all the clothes, I see my uncle's old yellow construction helmet. I wonder why we kept that all these years...I remember trying to put it on as a kid, never fit my head.

In the race to be different, to be unique, I forgot the primal thing about being human. We all share the same emotions at some point in our lives. I try everyday to be special, to not make the same mistakes as everyone else. I try to be the girl that everyone can trust and no one can take for granted. But there's this funny thing called irony, and it leaves you disgusted with yourself. I fail to get the words out of my mouth. But I know what I want to say.

I understand now. I see you. I see the big picture. I have to give back those old school books, I have to pack away those clothes, take the pictures, the tickets, the birthday cards, the timetables, the junk off my wall. I have leave this sanctuary bare, the way I entered it. I have to learn how to say goodbye again. Live by myself again.

Starting life by myself, accepting the fact that I won't always be able to see everyone I want to...I won't always be able to say everything. I realised not everything is meant to be said at once, some words carry more weight than others and some words need to be carried longer than others. You can't trust everyone all at the same time, as much as you'd like to.

I'm going to miss my life here so much. I'm going to miss all the people I got used to. I'm praying I can live as fierce as I want to. I hope I find what I what I'm looking for, I hope I can make wherever I'm going to a home. I want to make it big. I hope I always remember those that brought me to this part of my journey. Thank you God, for giving me life, and letting me live so far. Thank You especially for all those that love me, when times get hard, they never stop believing. I pray others will know the happiness I feel when I look back at my life in Sharjah. Nothing's ever going to change that. I have grown, and I will keep growing. 

returning

Aboriginal Paintings - The Boomerang Effect

Hello again :)

It's been a while since I lasted blogged. Things aren't dying down as yet. In fact if anything, I'm getting better at choosing the things I need to ignore than actually learning how to deal with them.

Everything has an expiry date for me now. Every task I need to do. That's the only thing that's keeping me going. My to-do lists are getting longer and it seems like stuff on there reincarnates itself and I'm left with a never-ending stream of new things that just pop up.

But there's nothing like the satisfaction of crossing finished tasks out. So far, I've completed 2/3 exams, confronted my biggest worry twice, confronted the thing that hurts me most over 6 times, helped a friend realise and confront something important and tried to get all my university stuff sorted.

I've got one more exam to go and that's on Wednesday. After that, got loads of uni stuff to sort out, got loads of events coming up, in between all of that, I gotta make sure I'm there to help out at home. My gramma's been looking after us now that my mom's gone but I've got the feeling that I'm leaving her alone too much, so I need to make sure that I don't make her feel alone.

I've been very conflicted recently. I've realised that I want to be impressed by my relationships. I don't want to do all the work. I don't want to always be the one that gets hurt and burdened and disadvantaged the most in the end. It doesn't matter how quickly I can recover or whether I can at all. How you go out is as important as how long you fight for. I need to keep my dignity intact and invest my energy in people that actually try and make a difference to my life.It's really not worth getting hurt over and over again because you've been let down by people.

Take as much time as you can/need to get to know them. Know their personalities, observe them, notice all the little things. Spend time and laughter and good times with them. Be there for them in their bad times. Just take it slow. Be wiser than you were yesterday because a lot depends on you. You have so much more to live for, so many more people you're going to meet and experience. Always keep your mind open and don't keep anything in your heart that you know you will regret.

At the same time, learn how to excercise restraint. Enjoy being surprised by people and their gestures towards you. Don't panic about spaces. Maybe they're meant to be there, or maybe someone else will fill them up. You can't always fix everything and especially not all by yourself. Give someone else a chance to make you feel good. It's not selfishness, it's not indulgent, it's accepting that you have a right to feel the way you treat people. So make sure, you treat people right and fairly.

Gotta go back to revising English Lit., write soon, and have a good night (or day) everyone.

FightersAlwaysxx

Cleansing

Sunset @ Morjim Beach, Goa

I should be studying my ass off. (And I am, just not right now)

Conflicted.
Tracks playing in my mind.
Clear this shizz up.
Just go write endlessly.

Walk along the water
and never be able to stop the waves from touching your feet.

Disappointed?
Cry it out in the sea.

Angry?
Scream, running in.

Hurt?
Let the water wash your wounds.

Who cares if they think you're crazy?
You're just trying to be free.

not a hypocrite

I really don't think that cutting people out of my life when they've hurt me is the answer anymore. I've done it to two people who really deserved it...and truth to be told, it really killed.

The first time, I think I was completely justified when I say sometimes you are going to get people that really don't deserve to know you. People that are just too small in themselves. End of.

For the second time, I would say that sometimes your part in their story is over. It is now their turn, and if they don't take it, you gotta keep moving on until they realise what they lost. If they come to find you, I really don't know what I'd do personally, but everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I don't know if I'd be friends with that person again, but I think once that person understands their actions exactly and acts upon that understanding to full a promise that they will never leave you there again, perhaps, then its worth taking them back.

Recently, I've been faced with a huge dilemma. Someone very special entered my life not too long ago, and I ended up liking that person a lot. However, mistakes were made, one thing led to another, hurt bred fear, and fear bred lies and next thing, you have it, I shoved the problem in limbo because I had to sort life out on my end before I could even think about addressing such a large problem.

It's hard to find the meaning in the moments we shared. It would be wrong to dismiss all of them and say there was nothing. There was a muted friendship, because one of our hearts was silent, and it was not mine.

Not knowing someone will mean you take a chance on them, and to make up for the time that you don't spend on them, you take guesses at their nature, or how they'd react to things or situations. You'd assume their preferences according to their personalities and what your mutual friends tell you. You start loving the person everyone else sees and the person you need to see in the time you have, and not the person that they are. Sometimes, it takes time, it really does, to recognise the finer things, to see the smaller nuances, and to feel those vibes that may go unnoticed. Sometimes it takes time or experience to truly see the worth of the person...this might prevent you from hurting them. Even though hurting someone should be completely unnecessary as a means of going about things, sometimes it happens like that. You will disappoint because you can't please everyone. But that shouldn't be an excuse for taking someone's integrity, or the respect they give you for granted.

Life is not about taking. It is and always has been about giving. Do not be prepared to speak words you cannot stand by, stand up for beliefs you cannot live by and live for a life you cannot be proud of. I am not a hypocrite, and I try really hard not to be. So I'm taking a chance on you, because you will need me more than you deserve me at the moment, and you are better than the mistake you have made. But do not take my love for granted again, because being my friend is not easy. I do not need people who will leave, because I will always be there.

So be fierce in your love, or don't love at all. I'd rather have a speechless animal by my side than a human being that cannot communicate what love is or deliver it entirely. 

Sky high; always

You know what?

Everything might really be happening all at once, and you may feel like you are totally mindf*k'd. But it's okay, and I'll tell you why.

If life really is testing you and it cooked up some bad shizz to see how far you could be pushed, stand up to it! Deal with it because I've realised that running away and putting all your problems into a corner will only just cram your mind and make you feel trapped, encircled by your swirling emotions and thoughts.

I wrote about everything you wanted coming at you like a train in your last 6 months of high school...and I meant it. It isn't going to get easier, no. How you deal with things though, that will always change because you grow as a person everyday. Look back, and if you've been true enough to yourself, you'll know that you should get stronger, so no matter what comes at you, you're ready to take the hit. (I'm a rugby player, I breathe that sport, so any reference to big hits, you know I know my shit haha)

It's been a while since I've been feeling really down about things. About people and leaving, about home and university, about family and friends and just generally, doubting, second guessing myself. Uh uh, not anymore. I'll y'all the truth, so you know this isn't some idealistic bullsh*t rant...

I got my final exams in 2 weeks. As of now I feel totally unprepared for them.
I'm waiting on a certain someone to deliver, to make up his mind, whether he really wants me in his life or not.
I'm sorting out my first semester at uni as well. All by myself.

Those are just a few of the things that have been eating away at my sanity. Apart from health-related issues within my family, my mom making her annual move to the US to study in her summer PhD program, the added responsibility of holding the house together and taking care of my family, I need to make sure I spend my remaining days in my hometown with the people who truly matter.


I've decided to really right-hook this b*tch of a challenge back. Man, I'm so done being pulled under. Listen to me, because I regret not doing this for myself earlier.

People who are gonna really want you around, really love you and really love your company, they gon' make an effort to talk to you. They are going to call to hear your voice, they're gonna send you funny stuff to make you laugh when you're stressed, they're going to hold you up even when you feel like you're done. Believe me, people who don't let you think nothing but positive, those are the kinds of people you need around you. Haters, cac talkers, and anyone else that's been bringing you down...let 'em go to hell, man. However, if these people are someone important to you, grab 'em by the arms, and tell 'em to wake the fk up. Because you don't need that right now, love, faith and hope, that's gonna get you by.

If y'all are at school, don't let your mind wander. Hit them books hard, make a real effort to study those concepts, you never know how useful what you learn will be later on in your life. Don't just study for the sake of studying, you'll never go through high-school again. Make it count. Your sufferings lol or your good times, make it all worth it.

If you need to say something to someone, make sure you say it. Screw waiting...sometimes, you won't get the chance again, and other times, maybe you just need to bloody do it for yourself. So you can fill in those empty places that they refuse to fill, just so you can move the heck on.

Spend your time carefully. Remember it's not meant to be easy. Always take it from a different perspective. Find someone who makes you look at life differently. Zoom out, look at the beauty in everything. Even through your most helpless times, use your inner strength. Don't let your legs buckle. I did. But I don't regret it. I was sent to my knees, it's a different view from down there.

Humility, understanding, acceptance - I'm nodding my head. Sometimes you gotta be weighed down, you gotta be brought down, and then when you rise, against all the odds, against everything that you feel could possibly go wrong, the feeling grows within you. Your purpose, your spirit and your drive is reignited. You'll get where you need to go. Don't worry, nothing good comes from worrying. Don't let your fire go out, dim your light if you have to. But live right on after, what is there to be afraid of when you want to live so true, so right and so hard?

My gloves are back on, man.
Sorry I took so long, but I'm back (:

Everything will happen the way it's mean to.
Bring it!

I was looking for a picture when I saw the source, it inspired me even more = http://love4amazed.blogspot.com/2011/10/god-gave-you-fighters-spirit-gw4365.html 

FightersAlwaysxx

Music that lifted my mood:

KiD CuDi- Sky High
Jason Mraz- I won't give up
James Morrison- I won't let you go

*big shout out to my girl Sefa and my bolo, Pataytay, Ange- you're a constant inspiration love you bro thanks for never giving up on me, you even prayed :P;  E <3 I have faith in you, no matter what xx*