Sky high; always

You know what?

Everything might really be happening all at once, and you may feel like you are totally mindf*k'd. But it's okay, and I'll tell you why.

If life really is testing you and it cooked up some bad shizz to see how far you could be pushed, stand up to it! Deal with it because I've realised that running away and putting all your problems into a corner will only just cram your mind and make you feel trapped, encircled by your swirling emotions and thoughts.

I wrote about everything you wanted coming at you like a train in your last 6 months of high school...and I meant it. It isn't going to get easier, no. How you deal with things though, that will always change because you grow as a person everyday. Look back, and if you've been true enough to yourself, you'll know that you should get stronger, so no matter what comes at you, you're ready to take the hit. (I'm a rugby player, I breathe that sport, so any reference to big hits, you know I know my shit haha)

It's been a while since I've been feeling really down about things. About people and leaving, about home and university, about family and friends and just generally, doubting, second guessing myself. Uh uh, not anymore. I'll y'all the truth, so you know this isn't some idealistic bullsh*t rant...

I got my final exams in 2 weeks. As of now I feel totally unprepared for them.
I'm waiting on a certain someone to deliver, to make up his mind, whether he really wants me in his life or not.
I'm sorting out my first semester at uni as well. All by myself.

Those are just a few of the things that have been eating away at my sanity. Apart from health-related issues within my family, my mom making her annual move to the US to study in her summer PhD program, the added responsibility of holding the house together and taking care of my family, I need to make sure I spend my remaining days in my hometown with the people who truly matter.


I've decided to really right-hook this b*tch of a challenge back. Man, I'm so done being pulled under. Listen to me, because I regret not doing this for myself earlier.

People who are gonna really want you around, really love you and really love your company, they gon' make an effort to talk to you. They are going to call to hear your voice, they're gonna send you funny stuff to make you laugh when you're stressed, they're going to hold you up even when you feel like you're done. Believe me, people who don't let you think nothing but positive, those are the kinds of people you need around you. Haters, cac talkers, and anyone else that's been bringing you down...let 'em go to hell, man. However, if these people are someone important to you, grab 'em by the arms, and tell 'em to wake the fk up. Because you don't need that right now, love, faith and hope, that's gonna get you by.

If y'all are at school, don't let your mind wander. Hit them books hard, make a real effort to study those concepts, you never know how useful what you learn will be later on in your life. Don't just study for the sake of studying, you'll never go through high-school again. Make it count. Your sufferings lol or your good times, make it all worth it.

If you need to say something to someone, make sure you say it. Screw waiting...sometimes, you won't get the chance again, and other times, maybe you just need to bloody do it for yourself. So you can fill in those empty places that they refuse to fill, just so you can move the heck on.

Spend your time carefully. Remember it's not meant to be easy. Always take it from a different perspective. Find someone who makes you look at life differently. Zoom out, look at the beauty in everything. Even through your most helpless times, use your inner strength. Don't let your legs buckle. I did. But I don't regret it. I was sent to my knees, it's a different view from down there.

Humility, understanding, acceptance - I'm nodding my head. Sometimes you gotta be weighed down, you gotta be brought down, and then when you rise, against all the odds, against everything that you feel could possibly go wrong, the feeling grows within you. Your purpose, your spirit and your drive is reignited. You'll get where you need to go. Don't worry, nothing good comes from worrying. Don't let your fire go out, dim your light if you have to. But live right on after, what is there to be afraid of when you want to live so true, so right and so hard?

My gloves are back on, man.
Sorry I took so long, but I'm back (:

Everything will happen the way it's mean to.
Bring it!

I was looking for a picture when I saw the source, it inspired me even more = http://love4amazed.blogspot.com/2011/10/god-gave-you-fighters-spirit-gw4365.html 

FightersAlwaysxx

Music that lifted my mood:

KiD CuDi- Sky High
Jason Mraz- I won't give up
James Morrison- I won't let you go

*big shout out to my girl Sefa and my bolo, Pataytay, Ange- you're a constant inspiration love you bro thanks for never giving up on me, you even prayed :P;  E <3 I have faith in you, no matter what xx*

'Two is Better than One'

"so maybe it's true,  that i can't live without you"

I'm going to start apologizing. Since it's something I'm pretty good at.

First,
I'm sorry you don't like that I stood up for my own self-respect and my integrity and the standards I keep for my friendship. I'm sorry you'll have to wait to see what you've closed yourself up to. Because that truth, that truth's real ugly

Second,
I'm sorry we don't have much time. You make me feel so good about liking you. I'm sorry this isn't transparent. I'm sorry I don't know your heart the way you know mine. I'm sorry I'm so hard to be around sometimes. But the thing is, I'm so unashamed when it comes to feeling for you. I'm sorry I don't know how to explain what this means to me. But I'm trying everyday. Because...I don't want you to ever look back on this, and think you didn't know how important you are to me. I want to make the most of the time we have, and I'm so sorry if it feels like I'm rushing...or that I'm saying everything before I forget. Thing is, all I want to do is just be there for you. Please don't put me out in the dark...I'm opening up to you and it's been so long since I've let this happen. I don't know, either. I'm clueless too. But I want to believe in what I do know, and there's just so much I'd do for you. Take me up, just give me a chance. If it means standing in front you, convincing you everyday, I'll do that too. I'm not desperate to be understood, not even by you. I'm my own person. But I can't help wanting you to be a part of my life. I just want you to stay so bad. You're a total stranger, but you're so close to me? I don't know how all of this is even possible haha. A meeting of two hearts earnest and true, blossoming at one touch, eternal beauty.

Third,
I'm sorry sometimes I can't respond as positively as I'd like. Sometimes, you gotta take a day off, and get rid of things that are making you sink. It's going to be hard because while you're struggling for breaths, you're fighting off all the chains, all the locks and you're trying to swim against that eternal force that just mentally drains you to the point where you check to see whether you're still physically intact.

Finally, I'm sorry that I will not kneel down to you and that I will not surrender to the world. I'll walk with it. I will not be swallowed up by this bottomless pit. I've got too much fight in me to be defeated the way you're letting yourself be defeated. I am not you. Do not bring me down with you. I've got my hand outstretched, take it or leave it.

parallel lines

I’ve never had anybody to think of when I listened to these love songs. People always turned up in my mind but they were never made to stay or they never came at the right time. I’ve always had bad timing, and been lied to several times. With you, it just seems different; even though it’s just been one time...I saw you and I didn’t think of everything I usually do. As a person, a lot of what you did just touched me, quietly observing you, don’t judge me.

I never really knew what this would feel like. Is this the real deal or is this just close enough to get by? Are you just a vision of what my perfect dream would look like? Why can’t I put a face to the heart or a moment that I live by? Its coz we didn’t have time, it was always just a pass by. Always on the phone, texting, home alone. Always made the time for you, now I don’t really know whether if I stop showing affection whether you’ll jump in and question, my absence, my withdrawal and whether I’m still in this. You wanted to give it a try, boy I’m trying, and I’m restless. I’m biting off the business side of this love, screw the formality, God’s the judge, I’m asking you really, I want an answer baby, just tell me if you really feel the same way too.

Maybe I’m infatuated, they all say this is impossible and maybe we’re just saying the right things and that’s why we’re always so breathless and I can’t even think of leaving yet, not when I’m so caught up in it. My mind’s always travelling and I can’t seem to draw it in, do you feel the same way I do? Does your mood depend on my mood? Or are we just two people that could have worked, if time would be a friend and not hurt us so deep?

Nawh, I’ll let my heart shh. I need to have time for myself too. God’s trying to show me that it ain’t about obsession, lovers need their space too. It’s cool, I got you :)

frustrated

i've tried to get rid of this feeling so many times
i feel like it's just sunken in so deep
i can't find
anything i lost with you anymore
it's should seem like relief
man, i dont know anymore

it's gone from just thoughts
all the way down to my heart,
and now it feels wedged in between my ribs
this problem, that person, this story, that cut

i find it so hard to tell him that i love him
when i'm trembling inside
love might make you stronger
but love can make you cry
hurt is something we both have been so used to
i haven't shed a single tear
i'm trying to be stronger still
i'm feeling all the pressure
and yet i'm holding it in
still why should i have any right to do something like that
at the end of the day am i really going to leave him with that?
how fair is it when we have so little time?
how fair is it when he's so quiet about his heart, yet he's already got mine?
i don't want to screw this one up
so please don't take my silence for distaste
i'm hoping you'll be there for me
unlike the others, who leave before i wake.

i'm just standing here taking wave after wave
nothing is slowing down
nothing is stopping my world from caving in
nothing is swirling around me
it's like i am the debris, floating in empty space

she wasnt there when i needed her
she wasnt there for you either
why do you keep going back to that hurt?
hasn't life taught you? you love and you learn.
what kind of love leaves you crippled and blind,
surely not the type that makes you grow, uh uh not that kind.

i have to accept things are and will always be beyond my control.
but i'm human, i can only take so much.
i feel like i'm going to explode.
and shatter this frame
for this day, please God... no more.

finding motivation

For me, motivation is a pretty hard concept to come by. Not because I am not self-motivated, but because I find it hard to translate my drive into action sometimes. Being perfectly honest here, I am talking solely about my studies.

There is so much that grabs your attention in your final year of high-school, secondary, Sixth Form or college. Literally, every experience that you missed out in your lower years, everything that you could have possibly ever wanted will smash into your gut and make you deal with its presence for 3-6 months and then make you deal with your absence from its presence for the rest of your natural life. -.- Why? Shu haada (as they would say in my hometown, Sharjah, haha) !

Now look at this, not only will you have to deal with rationing your time fairly for things that could possibly mean all  the most amazing things to you...you will also have to deal with working your behind off to protect your grades or push 'em up so you manage to keep your university offers.

It is a pretty hard thing to juggle love, friendships, family and potential projects involving things that interest you. You have to look at the things that demand your attention because after you leave you won't be able to give them the same physical attention as you would do if you were to stay. You have to satisfy your own personal aspirations since it is your last year in school because everything else you do is meaningless unless you make sure you meet your own goals. I say this because while everything you want maybe granted to you in the moment...everything you need is still awaiting you, you still need to be conscious of the decisions you make everyday that are helping to build your future, helping to build the foundation for the new frontier you are moving to. Yet, do not underestimate the influence of newly-formed relationships or experiences in adding to your bank of memories and eventually, motivating you in one way or another, to be better than you are today.

You will find that life is not just about making a path for your future. It is knowing in your heart with firm resolve that you will get to your destination, but you need to have acceptance for all the sacrifices, compromises and just generally, experiences that will break you to make you along the way.

P.S. Sometimes, just shutting yourself, and getting your shit done...is better than getting lost around distractions. Be firm with yourself, at this point...it shouldn't matter to anyone else but you.

unnamed

It's so easy to walk away. 

To end it all with that extra decibel. But to be silent
while the world watches,

while the stopwatches, and the timers, and alarms

and everything else that could possibly
hold you accountable
for something you
haven't
done
goes off...

that's when the gravity of the earth no longer holds you to ground.
That's when no one else needs to understand.
That is the bliss, of you
and only you, knowing something
like an unimportant secret,

what you
and only you,
can hold inside that clenched fist of yours.

There's so much I had to say to you. But I've always had so much to say. Now, just to be different, I let the foreign silence bridge the insatiable gap between our souls.

There has to be feeling when there are no words left.
There has to be understanding when all we have time for is one look.
There has to be forgiveness when we leave ourselves behind,
so we can find others.   

The words are at the tips of my fingers.
My strength seems to fade at my lips.
There's a struggle in my voice, an audible rasp, before
I give in.

The restraint seems to find me in time. I won't shout out to you. I'll just let you pass.
I won't disturb you.
My fingers still stretch out, and the light dances on them.
I pull them away, bring them close to my heart. Tight, balled-up fists. These hot,
                                                                                                                            angry                             hands are learning Patience.

Dawn is always missed by those that watch the stars -

29 November 2011 00:35

                                             

unnamed

fierce flames lick under the skin. she was right. they burn,
anguish curls around my lips and my tongue and my finger and my veins.
where are you? where will you be tomorrow, and day after,

and the day after next?
when time keeps passing us by,
and you are drawn further away,
a figment of my imagination 
a scar of my past a story
i'll never tell to someone else, 
even if they asked.

time heals all pain. he said.
is he right? i'll wait to tell you. 
but right now, it is the ring of clashing notes in my ear, the constant strumming of your guitar, the beating, 
the bold beating of your heart, and the music in your life,
that i miss.

i remember the creases in your eyes, those lines of fatigue, defeat and laughter.
i remember the black and white blocks on your head,
chunks of hair missing,
other harshly brushed over to hide the marks of someone else trying to engrave their story into your skull,
to let it soak to the bone.

i remember the harshness of your hands,
their smallness,
the bitten nails,
the papery feeling of coarse skin and dry cells.
and then i remember your face. all your faces. all my fears are all part of you. the same body made of different pieces from different times.
you cannot be named.
    her eyes,
          his nose,
you.
                    all of you, scattered across the pavement.

 "all this feels strange and untrue, and i won't waste a minute without you." 

11 April 2012 17:21

A subtle lesson

http://www.thatonerule.com

I recently discovered this website and I thought it was pretty cool, a more general version of brotips, girltips, teenagerposts etc. This particular rule attracted me because of what it said about a smile.

One of my best friends is known for her constant ability to light up a room with her smile and infectious laugh. Smiles are also one of her favourite things, but sometimes I think she underestimates the power she gives people herself with her unique 'symbol'. A person's capacity for pain is always tested again and again until (I believe) that like the philosopher Khalil Gibran says, sorrow has carved so much into their soul, that their capacity for love has gotten greater. I firmly agree.

There is a certain fighting spirit you require to go through life. Some might walk through the door with their arms outstretched trying to be open and friendly and catch blessings as well as hurt as they go. But as people, my friend and I have always gone with both our fists up...because life isn't all pretty, it isn't all pleasant and it sure as hell can really bring you down sometimes. But that's the beauty of being human. It's what you make of it, it's how you deal with it. It's how you let things define parts of who you are and the only thing that should define all of you at the end of the day is what choice you make, I think.

It's so easy to find excuses and put obstacles in front of yourself. It's so easy to give up on what you believe in, in order to ease tensions or to soften an argument or to heal something that's breaking. But smiling through it all, with understanding and yet, the silent deadly will to prove to yourself first before you take on the world...that is what makes you more accepting of everyday struggles that go unnoticed. Plato, a Greek philosopher once said, 'be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.' So don't insult anyone's intelligence, make sure you've got yourself sorted, and just be good. Even when it's hard...because you never know when your fighting spirit, your smile, or your laugh is making someone else's, some weary stranger's day.

Keep the faith. (:

FightersAlwaysxx

K

I write the 11 pages
and you write the one.

I live in countless stages
when you breathe in and out
all the same
mundane
yet.

something lights me up inside
just talking to you.
its the same conversation
the laced satire
and brilliant unconventional
human mind
unravelling, thought after thought.
to produce a glorious effect
word after word
until you get tired
and i decide to leave you instead.

it feels like an incomplete word,
like a half-knitted sweater
or a half-sown seed.
Doesn’t quite know whether to wither or grow.Stuck in parallel, floating in limbo
arms outstretched, tell my story
i want to tell you mine
but will you hear me?

sometimes you feel like you're going all out just to be heard, but if you got something important to say, and that someone isn't listening, romantic or platonic, they're missing out - chill yo

BITE your tongue

Contempt. curls on the
tip of my tongue
and bites, grinding
against the crowns of my teeth

contempt
burns in the back of my mind
and walks at the heels of my feet

contempt

layers life after love
with a brilliant cunning black streak

contempt
deals with the
world who has forgotten
their ignorance, the poor and the weak

contempt
is the reason
the air i inhale
feels like a foreign fire in my gizzard

contempt
brings out the claws in
my hands the savage in my blood
and the masses…

my heart beats faster---
it’s started

Carry it in your fist, throw it away

15 December 2011 11:40:01

the sides of my fingers

So softly, let the nib scratch the paper.
let the moment dissolve before us.
let there be some light.
wait, while the raindrops catch the ashes
and the fight in us leaves some gashes
or some wounds, and scars.

just find me, while my tongue rolls out
incandescent words.
just hold me, when all i can see is darkness,
and i feel i can’t be heard.
no don’t defeat me, but just be there so i know
i’ll have a shelter.
just be clear, so i know your voice
and not your whisper.

let’s sit down. In the quiet before the
noise disrupts the silence.
before the birds awake and time finds our distance.
before the sunlight calls and shadows start to glisten.
just hold on.
to the fires in our souls and the magic connections.
to the passion of our hearts and our submissions.
to the beats we seek inside of our digressions.
to the rhythm in the chaos of expression.

just believe us, while we lie and still
speak the truth with wisdom.
while we pave your way, but cannot
write your existence.
when we find someone, but cannot
find their twisted
little tales.

so will you call me out into the darkness?
will you finally bring yourself back forgetting business.
will you look me in the eye against my wishes?
or will you tell me that you love me,
and give no kisses.

will the dust that you gather show the missing?
will the people that you played, lose their lisps?
or will, your wings just skyrocket to the ground
or will they swallow up the town, red and brown.

no, have i lost the brightness of tomorrow?
why do you ask me with a touch of sorrow?
do i think your words are laced with ice and pity?
do i fear you and your mind and love
that quit me?
no, you do not know what happened to our losses.
you cannot hear the passion residing in our voices.
you cannot look for that which is not there.
no you cannot be without your bones and your hair.

now hush now, let us stare out into the distance.
let me mould you, let me heal you, you’re my vision.
you’ll be the passive piece of me, the most accepting.
but you’ll find the words to say, one day you’ll say them.
just right now, in this moment, can i listen?
not jungles, or the news, or the bless’d ones.
just to you, crying, naked and undressed like
somebody took your clothes and warmth and fed them
to some lonely soul that lived life good-will hunting.

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - sunset

09 October 2011 13:05:06

Thoughts on being uprooted

I’m leaving so much behind, to discover so much more. The memories tangle, like streams of water. They twirl around my fingers, a rushing tap, a never-ending flow…smoothening out the coarse surface of my young hands, moving in parallel with my veins, streams of blood and water together separated by a fine line, the skin that covers me like a sheet in the night—that feels the warmth, the frost, the pain and most of all, the one true thing that is a signpost to my coloured name. See the hues of brown, the early creases of age, the lines of fate, the palm of my hands, surrender unchanged.

I bring the water, cupped to my lips, parched skins drinks and

I am filled.
Let go of the water, on my nose, hangs a drop, a liquid crystal, a transparent fluid rock.
It sustains me now,
it’ll sustain me then
when all I’ll have is life
and when I’ll need my friends.
How far away will we be?
No more, no more!
When one talks of a rose,
does one talk of how it rose from the ground,
how its seeds flowered and bloomed,
only to be plucked, cut from familiar bonds,
a scar left behind. But the roots untouched.
No matter how far I travel,
to the ends of the earth,
or standing on my doorstep,
no matter where I go,
I will leave behind something,
and discover that where there is a window, there is a door,
and I will walk through, moving forward, leaving my roots where none were left for me, leaving them where I found them,
in the earth,
in the water,
in my fingers,
in my blood, 
in my home.

Piha, New Zealand - when in doubt, always go to a beach. if anything, you'll see there's more to life than standing on the shore.


22 February 2012 14:49:12

Aloha!

Hii there :)

This is my first post and it is just to introduce myself and why I want to write, really.

I always found keeping journals or diaries hard, even as a child.
I preferred to write lots and then write dates down for those separate pieces. I guess this is my way of stringing all those stories together and hopefully, posting and updating more as they come along as I move through my life.

I wouldn't call myself a writer as I am too undisciplined for it, haha. I write when I am inspired and when I can't express myself through music, dance or speech. I enjoy doing a lot of things, but writing has always been one of my most instinctive things to do. I really want to keep doing it as I feel I can really say what I need to in more effective ways as I grow.

There are many questions I try to answer...from many different perspectives. For me, writing is about discovery. When you write something down, sometimes you find that you finally were able to clear the traffic jam in your mind, and maybe, if you're lucky, someone else's too. That is all I hope to do, to be a good read, to tap a thought within the crevasses of my mind, or yours...to show my human side, and to be part of a tradition that kept cultures, religions, and people alive for centuries that have passed, and that are yet to come.

I hope you enjoy this, as much as I enjoy writing.

FightersAlwaysxx